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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll wonder aloud if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you're the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars will grant your heart's deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.

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