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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll wonder aloud if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you're the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars will grant your heart's deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.


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