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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll wonder aloud if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Leo

    Leo

    What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
  • Libra

    Libra

    New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you're the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars will grant your heart's deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.
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