Aries | March 21 to April 19
It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll wonder aloud if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you're the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars will grant your heart's deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION