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Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they'll be making a shitload of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The strange sounds coming from the basement will only grow louder, proving that it's been several hours since they last fed you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it's artificial insemination and not Thanksgiving you should prepare for.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you've forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say you have the kind of a face only a mother could love, but that's mainly because she feels guilty about all the drinking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Someday you'll be able to look back on it all and laugh. Until then, though, it's months and months of reconstructive jaw surgery.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A caped crusader will swoop in this Thursday, order several brutes to unhand you, and become the victim of one of the worst homophobic beatings in U.S. history.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Earth and water magicks are strong in your sign today. Unfortunately, so are card, silk, and vanishing dove magicks.

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