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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they'll be making a shitload of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The strange sounds coming from the basement will only grow louder, proving that it's been several hours since they last fed you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it's artificial insemination and not Thanksgiving you should prepare for.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you've forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say you have the kind of a face only a mother could love, but that's mainly because she feels guilty about all the drinking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Someday you'll be able to look back on it all and laugh. Until then, though, it's months and months of reconstructive jaw surgery.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A caped crusader will swoop in this Thursday, order several brutes to unhand you, and become the victim of one of the worst homophobic beatings in U.S. history.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Earth and water magicks are strong in your sign today. Unfortunately, so are card, silk, and vanishing dove magicks.