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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they'll be making a shitload of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The strange sounds coming from the basement will only grow louder, proving that it's been several hours since they last fed you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it's artificial insemination and not Thanksgiving you should prepare for.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you've forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say you have the kind of a face only a mother could love, but that's mainly because she feels guilty about all the drinking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Someday you'll be able to look back on it all and laugh. Until then, though, it's months and months of reconstructive jaw surgery.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A caped crusader will swoop in this Thursday, order several brutes to unhand you, and become the victim of one of the worst homophobic beatings in U.S. history.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Earth and water magicks are strong in your sign today. Unfortunately, so are card, silk, and vanishing dove magicks.

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