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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they'll be making a shitload of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The strange sounds coming from the basement will only grow louder, proving that it's been several hours since they last fed you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it's artificial insemination and not Thanksgiving you should prepare for.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you've forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say you have the kind of a face only a mother could love, but that's mainly because she feels guilty about all the drinking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Someday you'll be able to look back on it all and laugh. Until then, though, it's months and months of reconstructive jaw surgery.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A caped crusader will swoop in this Thursday, order several brutes to unhand you, and become the victim of one of the worst homophobic beatings in U.S. history.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Earth and water magicks are strong in your sign today. Unfortunately, so are card, silk, and vanishing dove magicks.

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