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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll make all the women swoon this week, thanks to a damp rag and a handy bottle of chloroform.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's not that you should be eating less, or even that you should be exercising more; it's that the stars have to waste their valuable time telling you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Look to the Bible for solace this week. Or to any other work of fiction that may help you to escape.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While it's true that the universe works in mysterious ways, it's becoming pretty clear what it has against you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll have mixed feelings this week when several leading gourmands describe you as "succulent" and "falling off the bone."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's a fine line between comedy and tragedy. A fine line you will soon trip over, before rolling down the stairs and smashing your skull open on the concrete floor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be inconsolable this Thursday, or at least you would be, were anyone to actually try.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The strange men in lab coats will administer a series of electric shocks, painful injections, and radioactive treatments. They will then stop goofing around and get back to work.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The story of your life will be filled with action, adventure and romance. Sadly, it will also be filled with huge, sprawling typos.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll feel like a class-A moron this week when the U.S. government begins grouping citizens based on their overall level of intellect.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It may seem like just a birthmark to you, but the mole on your back grants you entry into the Secret Order of Melanoma.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If there's one thing about you, it's that you're a genuine and caring person. If there are two things about you, however, it's that you're easily placated by insincere flattery.

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