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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll make all the women swoon this week, thanks to a damp rag and a handy bottle of chloroform.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's not that you should be eating less, or even that you should be exercising more; it's that the stars have to waste their valuable time telling you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Look to the Bible for solace this week. Or to any other work of fiction that may help you to escape.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While it's true that the universe works in mysterious ways, it's becoming pretty clear what it has against you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll have mixed feelings this week when several leading gourmands describe you as "succulent" and "falling off the bone."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's a fine line between comedy and tragedy. A fine line you will soon trip over, before rolling down the stairs and smashing your skull open on the concrete floor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be inconsolable this Thursday, or at least you would be, were anyone to actually try.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The strange men in lab coats will administer a series of electric shocks, painful injections, and radioactive treatments. They will then stop goofing around and get back to work.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The story of your life will be filled with action, adventure and romance. Sadly, it will also be filled with huge, sprawling typos.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll feel like a class-A moron this week when the U.S. government begins grouping citizens based on their overall level of intellect.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It may seem like just a birthmark to you, but the mole on your back grants you entry into the Secret Order of Melanoma.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If there's one thing about you, it's that you're a genuine and caring person. If there are two things about you, however, it's that you're easily placated by insincere flattery.