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Vol 44 Issue 47

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll make all the women swoon this week, thanks to a damp rag and a handy bottle of chloroform.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It's not that you should be eating less, or even that you should be exercising more; it's that the stars have to waste their valuable time telling you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Look to the Bible for solace this week. Or to any other work of fiction that may help you to escape.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    While it's true that the universe works in mysterious ways, it's becoming pretty clear what it has against you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll have mixed feelings this week when several leading gourmands describe you as "succulent" and "falling off the bone."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    There's a fine line between comedy and tragedy. A fine line you will soon trip over, before rolling down the stairs and smashing your skull open on the concrete floor.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll be inconsolable this Thursday, or at least you would be, were anyone to actually try.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The strange men in lab coats will administer a series of electric shocks, painful injections, and radioactive treatments. They will then stop goofing around and get back to work.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The story of your life will be filled with action, adventure and romance. Sadly, it will also be filled with huge, sprawling typos.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll feel like a class-A moron this week when the U.S. government begins grouping citizens based on their overall level of intellect.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It may seem like just a birthmark to you, but the mole on your back grants you entry into the Secret Order of Melanoma.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    If there's one thing about you, it's that you're a genuine and caring person. If there are two things about you, however, it's that you're easily placated by insincere flattery.
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