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Vol 44 Issue 48

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Cancer, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
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