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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Cancer, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.

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