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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Cancer, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
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