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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Cancer, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.

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