Aries | March 21 to April 19
Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Cancer, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
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