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Vol 44 Issue 49

Shitload Of Math Due Monday

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—Students dreaded spending all day Sunday with some retarded math book, especially one that doesn't have any of the freaking answers in the back.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Spring

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems' reach, and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars indicate that you've really done it this time. I mean, just look around, for God's sake. How did this even happen?
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors this week, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    All you'll want for Christmas are your two front teeth, along with your four bottom incisors, the six molars at the back of your mouth, and whatever other bicuspids are missing.
  • Leo

    Leo

    This week join your favorite astrological sign for all the classic predictions you've come to love in Leo: A Star Is Born.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your face will soon be on the cover of every newspaper in town, thanks to a rather gruesome printing-press accident.
  • Libra

    Libra

    They say that you're going blind, that your vision is rapidly deteriorating, but don't worry: They are just a coat rack and hat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Frustration will be yours this week when an airliner spirals out-of-control and crashes into the ground every time you're about to speak.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Don't let other people influence your future. That's what a vague and arbitrary set of cosmic indicators is for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll discover the secret of fire this week—namely that it can make your ex-wife pay for everything she's done to you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Lately it seems as though you're running out of steam. Shovel more coal into your firebox to rotate the paddlewheel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    When given a choice between tuna salad or egg salad this week, go with the egg salad. Just trust the stars on this one.
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