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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems' reach, and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that you've really done it this time. I mean, just look around, for God's sake. How did this even happen?
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors this week, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All you'll want for Christmas are your two front teeth, along with your four bottom incisors, the six molars at the back of your mouth, and whatever other bicuspids are missing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week join your favorite astrological sign for all the classic predictions you've come to love in Leo: A Star Is Born.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your face will soon be on the cover of every newspaper in town, thanks to a rather gruesome printing-press accident.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that you're going blind, that your vision is rapidly deteriorating, but don't worry: They are just a coat rack and hat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frustration will be yours this week when an airliner spirals out-of-control and crashes into the ground every time you're about to speak.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't let other people influence your future. That's what a vague and arbitrary set of cosmic indicators is for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll discover the secret of fire this week—namely that it can make your ex-wife pay for everything she's done to you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Lately it seems as though you're running out of steam. Shovel more coal into your firebox to rotate the paddlewheel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When given a choice between tuna salad or egg salad this week, go with the egg salad. Just trust the stars on this one.

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