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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems' reach, and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that you've really done it this time. I mean, just look around, for God's sake. How did this even happen?
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors this week, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All you'll want for Christmas are your two front teeth, along with your four bottom incisors, the six molars at the back of your mouth, and whatever other bicuspids are missing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week join your favorite astrological sign for all the classic predictions you've come to love in Leo: A Star Is Born.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your face will soon be on the cover of every newspaper in town, thanks to a rather gruesome printing-press accident.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say that you're going blind, that your vision is rapidly deteriorating, but don't worry: They are just a coat rack and hat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frustration will be yours this week when an airliner spirals out-of-control and crashes into the ground every time you're about to speak.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't let other people influence your future. That's what a vague and arbitrary set of cosmic indicators is for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll discover the secret of fire this week—namely that it can make your ex-wife pay for everything she's done to you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Lately it seems as though you're running out of steam. Shovel more coal into your firebox to rotate the paddlewheel.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When given a choice between tuna salad or egg salad this week, go with the egg salad. Just trust the stars on this one.
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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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