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Vol 44 Issue 50

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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.
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