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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.

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