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Vol 44 Issue 50

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.
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