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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.

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