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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.

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