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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.

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