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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.

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