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Vol 45 Issue 02

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!
  • Libra

    Libra

    Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.
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