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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.

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