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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.

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