adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Don't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?" Dress the dog in full military regalia before it's too late.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The human body is a work of art, which explains why those security guards won't let you touch it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Being bright, handsome, and exceptionally talented isn't all that it's cracked up to be. So at least you've got that going for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you're forced to hand them your wallet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they'll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can put it off today, and you might even be able to brush it aside tomorrow, but pretty soon you're going to have to figure out why your arm is on fire.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close