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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Don't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?" Dress the dog in full military regalia before it's too late.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The human body is a work of art, which explains why those security guards won't let you touch it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Being bright, handsome, and exceptionally talented isn't all that it's cracked up to be. So at least you've got that going for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you're forced to hand them your wallet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they'll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can put it off today, and you might even be able to brush it aside tomorrow, but pretty soon you're going to have to figure out why your arm is on fire.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.

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