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Vol 45 Issue 04

Area Teen Up To Something

GREENFIELD, OH—"I don't like how I can't see his face," said a resident, who attributed the teen’s behavior to the music industry's lack of positive role models.

Tina Turner Burns Down Legs For Insurance Money

LOS ANGELES—Police officers arrested Tina Turner this week on suspicion of arson, reckless endangerment, and insurance fraud, following allegations that the legendary R&B singer burned down her legs for financial gain.

New Virus Infects One In 16 PCs

A computer scan by Panda Security showed that almost 6 percent of Windows systems were infected with the Conficker/Downanup worm, which harvests...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, though it's your habit of cooking naked that's really pissing the neighbors off.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stars apologize for last week's prediction of "money problems." Looks like they forgot the "k" in there.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Text "LIBRA" now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You're no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Things will look up this week, before bearing their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you'll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as "it" involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.
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