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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, though it's your habit of cooking naked that's really pissing the neighbors off.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars apologize for last week's prediction of "money problems." Looks like they forgot the "k" in there.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Text "LIBRA" now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Things will look up this week, before bearing their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you'll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as "it" involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.

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