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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, though it's your habit of cooking naked that's really pissing the neighbors off.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars apologize for last week's prediction of "money problems." Looks like they forgot the "k" in there.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Text "LIBRA" now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Things will look up this week, before bearing their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you'll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as "it" involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.

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