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Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

House and Home

  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, though it's your habit of cooking naked that's really pissing the neighbors off.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars apologize for last week's prediction of "money problems." Looks like they forgot the "k" in there.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Text "LIBRA" now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Things will look up this week, before bearing their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you'll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as "it" involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.