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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While being a good friend means telling the truth, you'll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let's face it—a "pompous fuck."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you'll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never really thought of yourself as a cat-person, but the splicing, trans-binding, and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When life seems grim, and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, a spoon full of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it's suppositories you're struggling with, the spoon isn't going to help.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be forced to undergo surgery to remove the lump from your throat. Though it's becoming a woman and not cancer of the larynx that will send you to the hospital.

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