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Vol 45 Issue 05

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

SHERIDAN, OR—"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" First-time inmate Martin Hayes asked. "Sit-Ups? Did some already. And I finished the book I brought with me."

Octuplets Doing Well

The second set of octuplets born in the United States is doing well, with all reportedly breathing on their own. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    While being a good friend means telling the truth, you'll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let's face it—a "pompous fuck."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you'll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've never really thought of yourself as a cat-person, but the splicing, trans-binding, and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    When life seems grim, and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Sure, a spoon full of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it's suppositories you're struggling with, the spoon isn't going to help.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll be forced to undergo surgery to remove the lump from your throat. Though it's becoming a woman and not cancer of the larynx that will send you to the hospital.
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