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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While being a good friend means telling the truth, you'll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let's face it—a "pompous fuck."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you'll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never really thought of yourself as a cat-person, but the splicing, trans-binding, and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When life seems grim, and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, a spoon full of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it's suppositories you're struggling with, the spoon isn't going to help.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be forced to undergo surgery to remove the lump from your throat. Though it's becoming a woman and not cancer of the larynx that will send you to the hospital.

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