adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon see yourself in a whole new light, which is too bad, as it's the kind police investigators use to check for semen stains.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it's quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Journey to the past this week by realizing that things are pretty much the same miserable way they've always been.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're about to give birth to one of life's greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The old public-speaking trick of imagining the audience naked has served you well in the past, but that was before you had to give a talk to a room full of burn survivors.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close