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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon see yourself in a whole new light, which is too bad, as it's the kind police investigators use to check for semen stains.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it's quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Journey to the past this week by realizing that things are pretty much the same miserable way they've always been.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're about to give birth to one of life's greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The old public-speaking trick of imagining the audience naked has served you well in the past, but that was before you had to give a talk to a room full of burn survivors.

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