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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon see yourself in a whole new light, which is too bad, as it's the kind police investigators use to check for semen stains.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it's quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Journey to the past this week by realizing that things are pretty much the same miserable way they've always been.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're about to give birth to one of life's greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The old public-speaking trick of imagining the audience naked has served you well in the past, but that was before you had to give a talk to a room full of burn survivors.

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