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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon see yourself in a whole new light, which is too bad, as it's the kind police investigators use to check for semen stains.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it's quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Journey to the past this week by realizing that things are pretty much the same miserable way they've always been.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're about to give birth to one of life's greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The old public-speaking trick of imagining the audience naked has served you well in the past, but that was before you had to give a talk to a room full of burn survivors.