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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the underlying jealousy of the hypoteneuse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try not to hold onto any animosity you may feel toward your coworkers this week, as that asshole Dave would probably love it if you did.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Repeated incidents of drunken and disorderly conduct, public urination, and indecent exposure will completely ruin what was once a very charming little Funkytown.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home. Even if that home no longer belongs to him, and he has to sneak in through its basement window late at night.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes you wish your kids had come with an instruction manual, but then, that's the price you pay for getting them second-hand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be showered with dozens upon dozens of beautiful bouquets this Valentine's Day, all carefully and lovingly arranged, around your tombstone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Disappointment will once again be yours this week when that female mongoose call turns out to be just another overweight human.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll finally find the answer you've been searching for, moments after ruling out A., B., and multiple choice C.

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