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Vol 46 Issue 06

World Inspired By First Snowman To Win Luge

VANCOUVER—In what has become the most inspiring story at the XXI Winter Olympiad, the luge was won Sunday by the most unlikely of competitors: Tom, a snowman rolled together just two days earlier by the Kansy family of Vancouver.

Forgotten Assyrian God Revived To Name Sports Drink

NEW YORK—Powerade representatives said it was Nisroch's pronounced calf muscle in various depictions from the eighth century B.C. that initially attracted them to the once highly revered eagle-headed farming deity.

Google Asks NSA For Security Help

In light of recent hacking attacks, search engine leviathan Google has asked the National Security Agency for help securing its network. What do...

Rachael Flatt vs. Kim Yu-Na

It's America's Sweetheart versus the presumed sweetheart of the rest of the world as figure skaters Rachael Flatt and Kim Yu-na square off in Vancouver.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the underlying jealousy of the hypoteneuse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Try not to hold onto any animosity you may feel toward your coworkers this week, as that asshole Dave would probably love it if you did.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Repeated incidents of drunken and disorderly conduct, public urination, and indecent exposure will completely ruin what was once a very charming little Funkytown.
  • Libra

    Libra

    No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home. Even if that home no longer belongs to him, and he has to sneak in through its basement window late at night.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sometimes you wish your kids had come with an instruction manual, but then, that's the price you pay for getting them second-hand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll be showered with dozens upon dozens of beautiful bouquets this Valentine's Day, all carefully and lovingly arranged, around your tombstone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Disappointment will once again be yours this week when that female mongoose call turns out to be just another overweight human.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll finally find the answer you've been searching for, moments after ruling out A., B., and multiple choice C.
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