Your Horoscope 4143

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Vol 41 Issue 43

FBI Probe Problems

Recent analysis of FBI documents indicates that the bureau has abused its powers of surveillance since Sept. 11th, 2001. What do you think?

Lawsuit Over iPod Scratches

Apple has been threatened with class-action lawsuits claiming its new iPod nano scratches too easily. What do you think?

Harriet Miers Withdraws

Harriet Miers, President Bush's nominee for the Supreme Court, has withdrawn from consideration after almost universal opposition. What do you...

Brazil's Gun Ban Voted Down

Last week, the citizens of Brazil voted not to ban gun sales despite their nation having one of the world's highest murder rates. What do you...
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Your Horoscope 4143

  • Aries

    Aries

    Coast Guard officials will initially be shocked when you tell them the shark let you go after eating your left leg, but once they try your right one, they'll see that your flesh is tough and gamy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    According to the stars, the mysterious wheels of fate have finally begun turning in your direction, and soon, they'll seize a bearing of fate, jump out of the brackets of fate, and careen into your house.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A diode is an electronic component that makes sure electricity flows only one way. To prevent damage to the electrical wiring in your house, be sure to install one of these between the lamp cord and your genitals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your one-in-a-million luck continues this week when you manage to tick off the one person in the world who doesn't smack himself when he uses nunchucks.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will be haunted by mediocrity and the specter of your own mortality in the form of unusually thin and flavorless marinara sauces.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You know it's not truly over until the fat lady sings, but my God, the enormous bitch is taking forever.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll stop going with your gut and start listening to your heart, almost instantly ruining your career in public relations.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've felt for weeks as if they were on the verge of figuring out your secret shame, which is ridiculous, as no one even knows who you are.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You always suspected that the Machine Revolt would ultimately end humanity's era of dominance, but you never suspected the Roomba's heinous and tidy betrayal.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars are sorry, but writing greeting-card messages does not make you a poet. Take comfort in the fact that, since this is America, you'll make the lists anyway.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Authorities somehow get the idea that the frozen corpse is that of an explorer who became lost in the Rocky Mountains and somehow wandered into your freezer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Unfortunately, those in the outside world will continue to mistakenly believe that your having been in the closet since age 12 means you're gay, not trapped.
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