Your Horoscope 4143

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscope 4143

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Coast Guard officials will initially be shocked when you tell them the shark let you go after eating your left leg, but once they try your right one, they'll see that your flesh is tough and gamy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    According to the stars, the mysterious wheels of fate have finally begun turning in your direction, and soon, they'll seize a bearing of fate, jump out of the brackets of fate, and careen into your house.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A diode is an electronic component that makes sure electricity flows only one way. To prevent damage to the electrical wiring in your house, be sure to install one of these between the lamp cord and your genitals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your one-in-a-million luck continues this week when you manage to tick off the one person in the world who doesn't smack himself when he uses nunchucks.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be haunted by mediocrity and the specter of your own mortality in the form of unusually thin and flavorless marinara sauces.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You know it's not truly over until the fat lady sings, but my God, the enormous bitch is taking forever.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll stop going with your gut and start listening to your heart, almost instantly ruining your career in public relations.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've felt for weeks as if they were on the verge of figuring out your secret shame, which is ridiculous, as no one even knows who you are.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You always suspected that the Machine Revolt would ultimately end humanity's era of dominance, but you never suspected the Roomba's heinous and tidy betrayal.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars are sorry, but writing greeting-card messages does not make you a poet. Take comfort in the fact that, since this is America, you'll make the lists anyway.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Authorities somehow get the idea that the frozen corpse is that of an explorer who became lost in the Rocky Mountains and somehow wandered into your freezer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Unfortunately, those in the outside world will continue to mistakenly believe that your having been in the closet since age 12 means you're gay, not trapped.


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