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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman

TACOMA, WA—Intermittently shifting his gaze between his opponent and the product brochure in his hands as he shrewdly calculated his next move, local father Thomas McCabe became locked into an intricate chess match Thursday with riding lawn mower salesman Keith Porter, family sources reported.

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document
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Your Horoscope 4143

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Coast Guard officials will initially be shocked when you tell them the shark let you go after eating your left leg, but once they try your right one, they'll see that your flesh is tough and gamy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    According to the stars, the mysterious wheels of fate have finally begun turning in your direction, and soon, they'll seize a bearing of fate, jump out of the brackets of fate, and careen into your house.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A diode is an electronic component that makes sure electricity flows only one way. To prevent damage to the electrical wiring in your house, be sure to install one of these between the lamp cord and your genitals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your one-in-a-million luck continues this week when you manage to tick off the one person in the world who doesn't smack himself when he uses nunchucks.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be haunted by mediocrity and the specter of your own mortality in the form of unusually thin and flavorless marinara sauces.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You know it's not truly over until the fat lady sings, but my God, the enormous bitch is taking forever.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll stop going with your gut and start listening to your heart, almost instantly ruining your career in public relations.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've felt for weeks as if they were on the verge of figuring out your secret shame, which is ridiculous, as no one even knows who you are.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You always suspected that the Machine Revolt would ultimately end humanity's era of dominance, but you never suspected the Roomba's heinous and tidy betrayal.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars are sorry, but writing greeting-card messages does not make you a poet. Take comfort in the fact that, since this is America, you'll make the lists anyway.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Authorities somehow get the idea that the frozen corpse is that of an explorer who became lost in the Rocky Mountains and somehow wandered into your freezer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Unfortunately, those in the outside world will continue to mistakenly believe that your having been in the closet since age 12 means you're gay, not trapped.

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