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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Your Horoscope 4146

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    People think you're delusional when you say you're in love with a girl on a billboard next to Highway 41, until they realize you fastened a nursing student up there with carriage bolts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your long-held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword will be put to the test this week when you sign up for a combination fencing/calligraphy class co-taught by an angry Spaniard and a weary sensei.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This is the nesting season of the Turner's Dauber, a nine-inch-long species of parasitic wasp that injects its starving, carnivorous larvae deep into a species of wren that looks just like your new hairstyle.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Some say that your shortsightedness will be the death of you, but it's your glaucoma that leads you to drive up an off-ramp and into a gasoline truck.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're no music expert, but the shadow growing in size around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally put an end to your illiteracy this week when what you believe to be a bowl of alphabet soup turns out to be a can of minestrone with a POISON label on it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Once again, a poorly timed wisecrack at the office will lead to you lying prone in a ditch with ice water up to your chin and your hands going numb on the grip of the .45.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It'll finally hit you this week that the Gerber baby is most likely dead by now, a realization brought on not so much by the photo on the front of the jar but the mush inside.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The good people over at Fisher-Price say it's impossible to be dismembered by one of their toys, but you'll soon show those smug bastards what's what.

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