Your Horoscope 4146

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Your Horoscope 4146

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    People think you're delusional when you say you're in love with a girl on a billboard next to Highway 41, until they realize you fastened a nursing student up there with carriage bolts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your long-held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword will be put to the test this week when you sign up for a combination fencing/calligraphy class co-taught by an angry Spaniard and a weary sensei.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This is the nesting season of the Turner's Dauber, a nine-inch-long species of parasitic wasp that injects its starving, carnivorous larvae deep into a species of wren that looks just like your new hairstyle.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Some say that your shortsightedness will be the death of you, but it's your glaucoma that leads you to drive up an off-ramp and into a gasoline truck.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're no music expert, but the shadow growing in size around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally put an end to your illiteracy this week when what you believe to be a bowl of alphabet soup turns out to be a can of minestrone with a POISON label on it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Once again, a poorly timed wisecrack at the office will lead to you lying prone in a ditch with ice water up to your chin and your hands going numb on the grip of the .45.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It'll finally hit you this week that the Gerber baby is most likely dead by now, a realization brought on not so much by the photo on the front of the jar but the mush inside.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The good people over at Fisher-Price say it's impossible to be dismembered by one of their toys, but you'll soon show those smug bastards what's what.