Your Horoscope 4146

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Vol 41 Issue 46

FEMA Cuts Off Evacuees

FEMA recently announced that, at the end of the month, they will to stop paying for hurricane evacuees' hotel rooms. What do you think?

White House On Offensive

In response to mounting criticism toward the handling of the war, as well as the accusations of pre-war intelligence manipulation, the White House...

TV Downloads On AOL

In order to boost available content, America Online is preparing to offer downloads of old television programs like Welcome Back, Kotter and...

Alcohol Awareness Class

Colleges across the country are requiring incoming freshmen to take an online alcohol-awareness course. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Race Relations

Your Horoscope 4146

  • Aries

    Aries

    People think you're delusional when you say you're in love with a girl on a billboard next to Highway 41, until they realize you fastened a nursing student up there with carriage bolts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your long-held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword will be put to the test this week when you sign up for a combination fencing/calligraphy class co-taught by an angry Spaniard and a weary sensei.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    This is the nesting season of the Turner's Dauber, a nine-inch-long species of parasitic wasp that injects its starving, carnivorous larvae deep into a species of wren that looks just like your new hairstyle.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Some say that your shortsightedness will be the death of you, but it's your glaucoma that leads you to drive up an off-ramp and into a gasoline truck.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You're no music expert, but the shadow growing in size around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll finally put an end to your illiteracy this week when what you believe to be a bowl of alphabet soup turns out to be a can of minestrone with a POISON label on it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Once again, a poorly timed wisecrack at the office will lead to you lying prone in a ditch with ice water up to your chin and your hands going numb on the grip of the .45.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It'll finally hit you this week that the Gerber baby is most likely dead by now, a realization brought on not so much by the photo on the front of the jar but the mush inside.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The good people over at Fisher-Price say it's impossible to be dismembered by one of their toys, but you'll soon show those smug bastards what's what.
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