Your Horoscope 4148

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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Your Horoscope 4148

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While it's possible that, one day, you'll be able to forgive your husband for walking out on your children, you will never forgive him for walking out on your children without you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    According to the stars, a misguided attempt to prevent injury will instead result in a debilitating spinal-cord injury when you attempt to lift a 500-pound pallet of ball bearings with your knees, instead of using a forklift.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For years you've thought of yourself as most resembling the Greek goddess Aphrodite, but the stars think that you are ready to know the truth: You're a mix between Teiresias, the Gorgon sisters, and Cerberus.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant this week before paying a visit to its bathroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your attempt to play guitar under the bedroom window of your one true love will fail this week when you are denied flame-cannon permits.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be forever labeled "quixotic" after mistaking a field of windmills for the solution to the world's energy crisis.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite there being over 50 different words for snow in Inuktitut, you will fail time after time to score cocaine while visiting the Yukon next week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's often true that two heads are better than one, the shattered skull of your adulterous wife will prove no help in coming up with a place to bury the body.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars say that birdwatchers from all over the world will congregate outside your home sometime next week to observe more than five distinct species of vultures.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be forced to learn yet another lesson the hard way this week, but it's college-level differential calculus for engineers, and that's the way everyone learns.
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