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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Your Horoscope 4148

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While it's possible that, one day, you'll be able to forgive your husband for walking out on your children, you will never forgive him for walking out on your children without you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    According to the stars, a misguided attempt to prevent injury will instead result in a debilitating spinal-cord injury when you attempt to lift a 500-pound pallet of ball bearings with your knees, instead of using a forklift.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For years you've thought of yourself as most resembling the Greek goddess Aphrodite, but the stars think that you are ready to know the truth: You're a mix between Teiresias, the Gorgon sisters, and Cerberus.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant this week before paying a visit to its bathroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your attempt to play guitar under the bedroom window of your one true love will fail this week when you are denied flame-cannon permits.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be forever labeled "quixotic" after mistaking a field of windmills for the solution to the world's energy crisis.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite there being over 50 different words for snow in Inuktitut, you will fail time after time to score cocaine while visiting the Yukon next week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's often true that two heads are better than one, the shattered skull of your adulterous wife will prove no help in coming up with a place to bury the body.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars say that birdwatchers from all over the world will congregate outside your home sometime next week to observe more than five distinct species of vultures.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be forced to learn yet another lesson the hard way this week, but it's college-level differential calculus for engineers, and that's the way everyone learns.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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