Your Horoscope 4148

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Your Horoscope 4148

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While it's possible that, one day, you'll be able to forgive your husband for walking out on your children, you will never forgive him for walking out on your children without you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    According to the stars, a misguided attempt to prevent injury will instead result in a debilitating spinal-cord injury when you attempt to lift a 500-pound pallet of ball bearings with your knees, instead of using a forklift.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For years you've thought of yourself as most resembling the Greek goddess Aphrodite, but the stars think that you are ready to know the truth: You're a mix between Teiresias, the Gorgon sisters, and Cerberus.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant this week before paying a visit to its bathroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your attempt to play guitar under the bedroom window of your one true love will fail this week when you are denied flame-cannon permits.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be forever labeled "quixotic" after mistaking a field of windmills for the solution to the world's energy crisis.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite there being over 50 different words for snow in Inuktitut, you will fail time after time to score cocaine while visiting the Yukon next week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's often true that two heads are better than one, the shattered skull of your adulterous wife will prove no help in coming up with a place to bury the body.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars say that birdwatchers from all over the world will congregate outside your home sometime next week to observe more than five distinct species of vultures.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be forced to learn yet another lesson the hard way this week, but it's college-level differential calculus for engineers, and that's the way everyone learns.