Your Horoscope 4148

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Vol 41 Issue 48

Onion Sports 2005-06 NCAA Brackets

Print out Onion Sports' all-encompassing do-it-yourself 2005-06 basketball brackets and decide which of the top 400 college teams you think will go all the way!

Annika Sorenstam Has Another Remarkable Year For A Lady

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Annika Sorenstam, the absolutely adorable doll of golf's lighter, gentler side, and a true lady who has absolutely charmed ladies' golf fans since joining the always-heartwarming Ladies' Professional Golf Association Tour...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Your Horoscope 4148

  • Aries

    Aries

    While it's possible that, one day, you'll be able to forgive your husband for walking out on your children, you will never forgive him for walking out on your children without you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    According to the stars, a misguided attempt to prevent injury will instead result in a debilitating spinal-cord injury when you attempt to lift a 500-pound pallet of ball bearings with your knees, instead of using a forklift.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    For years you've thought of yourself as most resembling the Greek goddess Aphrodite, but the stars think that you are ready to know the truth: You're a mix between Teiresias, the Gorgon sisters, and Cerberus.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant this week before paying a visit to its bathroom.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your attempt to play guitar under the bedroom window of your one true love will fail this week when you are denied flame-cannon permits.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will be forever labeled "quixotic" after mistaking a field of windmills for the solution to the world's energy crisis.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Despite there being over 50 different words for snow in Inuktitut, you will fail time after time to score cocaine while visiting the Yukon next week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While it's often true that two heads are better than one, the shattered skull of your adulterous wife will prove no help in coming up with a place to bury the body.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars say that birdwatchers from all over the world will congregate outside your home sometime next week to observe more than five distinct species of vultures.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll be forced to learn yet another lesson the hard way this week, but it's college-level differential calculus for engineers, and that's the way everyone learns.
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