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Your Horoscope 4148

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Your Horoscope 4148

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While it's possible that, one day, you'll be able to forgive your husband for walking out on your children, you will never forgive him for walking out on your children without you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    According to the stars, a misguided attempt to prevent injury will instead result in a debilitating spinal-cord injury when you attempt to lift a 500-pound pallet of ball bearings with your knees, instead of using a forklift.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For years you've thought of yourself as most resembling the Greek goddess Aphrodite, but the stars think that you are ready to know the truth: You're a mix between Teiresias, the Gorgon sisters, and Cerberus.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant this week before paying a visit to its bathroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your attempt to play guitar under the bedroom window of your one true love will fail this week when you are denied flame-cannon permits.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be forever labeled "quixotic" after mistaking a field of windmills for the solution to the world's energy crisis.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite there being over 50 different words for snow in Inuktitut, you will fail time after time to score cocaine while visiting the Yukon next week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's often true that two heads are better than one, the shattered skull of your adulterous wife will prove no help in coming up with a place to bury the body.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars say that birdwatchers from all over the world will congregate outside your home sometime next week to observe more than five distinct species of vultures.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be forced to learn yet another lesson the hard way this week, but it's college-level differential calculus for engineers, and that's the way everyone learns.

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