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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Your Horoscope 4149

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like that of human beings, the beauty of snowflakes lies in the fact that no two are exactly alike. Also, a big part of their beauty lies in the fact that every single one of them is white.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The Sistine Chapel panel that depicts the creation of the sun and moon never fails to hold spectators captive with its beauty and vast scope, allowing you plenty of time to search through their purses and pockets for money.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A signature lovingly practiced and perfected in youth, when there seemed to be nothing but time and dreaming, will be used to sign off on a shipment of new highlighter pens for the conference room this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars will send you a special message this week, but sadly, you will be long dead by the time it reaches Earth.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your brand-new goose-down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    To many, you're nothing more than an overly enthusiastic carpet salesman, which is unfortunate, really, considering the importance of your fight to rid the world of tap-dancing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're thankful that the governor keeps granting you last-minute reprieves, but your waistline is starting to reflect all those last meals.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Certain people will never understand how you can be married to your job in the rare-book room of the Frick, but that's only because they think that what you do for a living is gay.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After years of conflict, your parents will finally accept that you're a picky eater this week and just begin serving you food at every meal.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A general sense of warm well-being will lead you to decide that prog-metal band Dream Theater should be killed painlessly and without torture, a decision you may later come to regret.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged firmly in your windpipe.

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