Your Horoscope 4149

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Vol 41 Issue 49

Patriot Act Renewed

The House and Senate have reached a deal to re-authorize the Patriot Act. What do you think?

9/11 Commission Let Down

In their final report, the 9/11 Commission said they were disappointed by the government response to their recommendations. What do you think?
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Your Horoscope 4149

  • Aries

    Aries

    Like that of human beings, the beauty of snowflakes lies in the fact that no two are exactly alike. Also, a big part of their beauty lies in the fact that every single one of them is white.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The Sistine Chapel panel that depicts the creation of the sun and moon never fails to hold spectators captive with its beauty and vast scope, allowing you plenty of time to search through their purses and pockets for money.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A signature lovingly practiced and perfected in youth, when there seemed to be nothing but time and dreaming, will be used to sign off on a shipment of new highlighter pens for the conference room this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars will send you a special message this week, but sadly, you will be long dead by the time it reaches Earth.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your brand-new goose-down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
  • Libra

    Libra

    To many, you're nothing more than an overly enthusiastic carpet salesman, which is unfortunate, really, considering the importance of your fight to rid the world of tap-dancing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You're thankful that the governor keeps granting you last-minute reprieves, but your waistline is starting to reflect all those last meals.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Certain people will never understand how you can be married to your job in the rare-book room of the Frick, but that's only because they think that what you do for a living is gay.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    After years of conflict, your parents will finally accept that you're a picky eater this week and just begin serving you food at every meal.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A general sense of warm well-being will lead you to decide that prog-metal band Dream Theater should be killed painlessly and without torture, a decision you may later come to regret.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged firmly in your windpipe.
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