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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Your Horoscope 4149

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like that of human beings, the beauty of snowflakes lies in the fact that no two are exactly alike. Also, a big part of their beauty lies in the fact that every single one of them is white.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The Sistine Chapel panel that depicts the creation of the sun and moon never fails to hold spectators captive with its beauty and vast scope, allowing you plenty of time to search through their purses and pockets for money.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A signature lovingly practiced and perfected in youth, when there seemed to be nothing but time and dreaming, will be used to sign off on a shipment of new highlighter pens for the conference room this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars will send you a special message this week, but sadly, you will be long dead by the time it reaches Earth.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your brand-new goose-down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    To many, you're nothing more than an overly enthusiastic carpet salesman, which is unfortunate, really, considering the importance of your fight to rid the world of tap-dancing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're thankful that the governor keeps granting you last-minute reprieves, but your waistline is starting to reflect all those last meals.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Certain people will never understand how you can be married to your job in the rare-book room of the Frick, but that's only because they think that what you do for a living is gay.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After years of conflict, your parents will finally accept that you're a picky eater this week and just begin serving you food at every meal.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A general sense of warm well-being will lead you to decide that prog-metal band Dream Theater should be killed painlessly and without torture, a decision you may later come to regret.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged firmly in your windpipe.

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