Aries | March 21 to April 19
The last time you made a snow angel, you were but a child. Also, you weren't flailing your limbs wildly in a desperate attempt to free yourself from a knife-wielding psychopath.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll become famous company-wide for your popularization of the emoticon "Down Syndrome Kid Flips You Off." Shortly thereafter, you'll be justifiably fired, you insensitive asshole.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ve always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your daughter’s body floating in the ravine.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The interesting thing about homicidal rage iswell, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After years of insisting it's just a phase, you'll finally come to accept your parents' homophobia this week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
This week, the stars will grant you your heart's deepest desire, causing you confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The fear of being buried alive has often consumed your thoughts, but as you'll soon discover, the alternative is much, much worse.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll have an instant hit on your hands next week after releasing a rap single that not only features your area code, but also your full zip code, social-security number, and mother's maiden name.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
If the holiday season yields invitations you feel compelled to accept, you could always follow the example of Frank Conroy's father, as outlined on the first page of his memoir Stop Time.
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