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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Your Horoscope 4150

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The last time you made a snow angel, you were but a child. Also, you weren't flailing your limbs wildly in a desperate attempt to free yourself from a knife-wielding psychopath.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll become famous company-wide for your popularization of the emoticon "Down Syndrome Kid Flips You Off." Shortly thereafter, you'll be justifiably fired, you insensitive asshole.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’ve always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your daughter’s body floating in the ravine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After years of insisting it's just a phase, you'll finally come to accept your parents' homophobia this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week, the stars will grant you your heart's deepest desire, causing you confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The fear of being buried alive has often consumed your thoughts, but as you'll soon discover, the alternative is much, much worse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll have an instant hit on your hands next week after releasing a rap single that not only features your area code, but also your full zip code, social-security number, and mother's maiden name.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If the holiday season yields invitations you feel compelled to accept, you could always follow the example of Frank Conroy's father, as outlined on the first page of his memoir Stop Time.

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