Your Horoscope 4150

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Your Horoscope 4150

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The last time you made a snow angel, you were but a child. Also, you weren't flailing your limbs wildly in a desperate attempt to free yourself from a knife-wielding psychopath.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll become famous company-wide for your popularization of the emoticon "Down Syndrome Kid Flips You Off." Shortly thereafter, you'll be justifiably fired, you insensitive asshole.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’ve always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your daughter’s body floating in the ravine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After years of insisting it's just a phase, you'll finally come to accept your parents' homophobia this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week, the stars will grant you your heart's deepest desire, causing you confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The fear of being buried alive has often consumed your thoughts, but as you'll soon discover, the alternative is much, much worse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll have an instant hit on your hands next week after releasing a rap single that not only features your area code, but also your full zip code, social-security number, and mother's maiden name.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If the holiday season yields invitations you feel compelled to accept, you could always follow the example of Frank Conroy's father, as outlined on the first page of his memoir Stop Time.


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