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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Your Horoscope 4151

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your married life will end just minutes after it begins next week, when everyone riding in the limousine, chauffeur included, assumes that the increasingly frantic honking is congratulatory.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    True, as a SWAT team sniper, you never should have been spying on the disrobing blonde across the street through your rifle's scope. Then again, it's not entirely your fault that your hands got as sweaty as they did.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Like Charles Perrault's Sleeping Beauty, you will awake from a 100-year sleep when you are kissed by a prince, but not before you are molested and raped by hundreds of other princes first.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As the mother of newborn quintuplets, it's understandable that you've had less time for work around the house. Still, you really shouldn't let them pile up in the sink like that.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will bring next week's funeral service to a screeching halt when you insist people give you one reason why that perfectly good casket should be buried.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The biggest mistake you'll make next week is putting so much love and care into building that effigy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars believe you felt a tremor, but leave out the part about the bobble-head dolls when telling others.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's been years since you read the play, but this week's Softsoap-sponsored production of Macbeth is definitely not how you remember the Shakespearean tragedy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The pleasure you get from playing the two-finger waltz on the piano is astounding, especially considering it cost the life of an elephant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While the jazzercise class won't trim your thighs or waistline, it will leave you with a greater appreciation for brilliant composer Charles Mingus.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the Guinness World Record holder for Shortest Living Man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always feared spending the rest of your life as a streetwalker, but don't worry, there will be about two hours near the end when, for all intents and purposes, you'll be more of a field-crawler.

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