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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Your Horoscope 4151

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your married life will end just minutes after it begins next week, when everyone riding in the limousine, chauffeur included, assumes that the increasingly frantic honking is congratulatory.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    True, as a SWAT team sniper, you never should have been spying on the disrobing blonde across the street through your rifle's scope. Then again, it's not entirely your fault that your hands got as sweaty as they did.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Like Charles Perrault's Sleeping Beauty, you will awake from a 100-year sleep when you are kissed by a prince, but not before you are molested and raped by hundreds of other princes first.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As the mother of newborn quintuplets, it's understandable that you've had less time for work around the house. Still, you really shouldn't let them pile up in the sink like that.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will bring next week's funeral service to a screeching halt when you insist people give you one reason why that perfectly good casket should be buried.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The biggest mistake you'll make next week is putting so much love and care into building that effigy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars believe you felt a tremor, but leave out the part about the bobble-head dolls when telling others.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's been years since you read the play, but this week's Softsoap-sponsored production of Macbeth is definitely not how you remember the Shakespearean tragedy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The pleasure you get from playing the two-finger waltz on the piano is astounding, especially considering it cost the life of an elephant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While the jazzercise class won't trim your thighs or waistline, it will leave you with a greater appreciation for brilliant composer Charles Mingus.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the Guinness World Record holder for Shortest Living Man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always feared spending the rest of your life as a streetwalker, but don't worry, there will be about two hours near the end when, for all intents and purposes, you'll be more of a field-crawler.

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