Your Horoscope 4151

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Vol 41 Issue 51

Is Wikipedia Unreliable?

An incident in which a former Tennessee publisher was linked to the Kennedy assassination on Wikipedia has called the accuracy of the user-edited...

Bin Laden Not In Control?

According to the U.S. envoy to Pakistan, Osama bin Laden may no longer be in control of al-Qaeda. What do you think?

Killer Asteroid In 2036?

Apopohis, an asteroid that measures over a quarter-mile wide, may be on course to hit Earth with the force of 100,000 Hiroshima-sized atomic blasts...

How Very Special

I don't have to tell you Jeanketeers that Christmas is just around the corner, which means it's time for—you got it—TV Christmas...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscope 4151

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your married life will end just minutes after it begins next week, when everyone riding in the limousine, chauffeur included, assumes that the increasingly frantic honking is congratulatory.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    True, as a SWAT team sniper, you never should have been spying on the disrobing blonde across the street through your rifle's scope. Then again, it's not entirely your fault that your hands got as sweaty as they did.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Like Charles Perrault's Sleeping Beauty, you will awake from a 100-year sleep when you are kissed by a prince, but not before you are molested and raped by hundreds of other princes first.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    As the mother of newborn quintuplets, it's understandable that you've had less time for work around the house. Still, you really shouldn't let them pile up in the sink like that.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will bring next week's funeral service to a screeching halt when you insist people give you one reason why that perfectly good casket should be buried.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The biggest mistake you'll make next week is putting so much love and care into building that effigy.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The stars believe you felt a tremor, but leave out the part about the bobble-head dolls when telling others.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It's been years since you read the play, but this week's Softsoap-sponsored production of Macbeth is definitely not how you remember the Shakespearean tragedy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The pleasure you get from playing the two-finger waltz on the piano is astounding, especially considering it cost the life of an elephant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While the jazzercise class won't trim your thighs or waistline, it will leave you with a greater appreciation for brilliant composer Charles Mingus.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the Guinness World Record holder for Shortest Living Man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've always feared spending the rest of your life as a streetwalker, but don't worry, there will be about two hours near the end when, for all intents and purposes, you'll be more of a field-crawler.
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