adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope 4151

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope 4151

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your married life will end just minutes after it begins next week, when everyone riding in the limousine, chauffeur included, assumes that the increasingly frantic honking is congratulatory.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    True, as a SWAT team sniper, you never should have been spying on the disrobing blonde across the street through your rifle's scope. Then again, it's not entirely your fault that your hands got as sweaty as they did.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Like Charles Perrault's Sleeping Beauty, you will awake from a 100-year sleep when you are kissed by a prince, but not before you are molested and raped by hundreds of other princes first.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As the mother of newborn quintuplets, it's understandable that you've had less time for work around the house. Still, you really shouldn't let them pile up in the sink like that.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will bring next week's funeral service to a screeching halt when you insist people give you one reason why that perfectly good casket should be buried.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The biggest mistake you'll make next week is putting so much love and care into building that effigy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars believe you felt a tremor, but leave out the part about the bobble-head dolls when telling others.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's been years since you read the play, but this week's Softsoap-sponsored production of Macbeth is definitely not how you remember the Shakespearean tragedy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The pleasure you get from playing the two-finger waltz on the piano is astounding, especially considering it cost the life of an elephant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While the jazzercise class won't trim your thighs or waistline, it will leave you with a greater appreciation for brilliant composer Charles Mingus.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the Guinness World Record holder for Shortest Living Man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always feared spending the rest of your life as a streetwalker, but don't worry, there will be about two hours near the end when, for all intents and purposes, you'll be more of a field-crawler.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close