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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Your Horoscope 4151

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your married life will end just minutes after it begins next week, when everyone riding in the limousine, chauffeur included, assumes that the increasingly frantic honking is congratulatory.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    True, as a SWAT team sniper, you never should have been spying on the disrobing blonde across the street through your rifle's scope. Then again, it's not entirely your fault that your hands got as sweaty as they did.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Like Charles Perrault's Sleeping Beauty, you will awake from a 100-year sleep when you are kissed by a prince, but not before you are molested and raped by hundreds of other princes first.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As the mother of newborn quintuplets, it's understandable that you've had less time for work around the house. Still, you really shouldn't let them pile up in the sink like that.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will bring next week's funeral service to a screeching halt when you insist people give you one reason why that perfectly good casket should be buried.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The biggest mistake you'll make next week is putting so much love and care into building that effigy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars believe you felt a tremor, but leave out the part about the bobble-head dolls when telling others.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's been years since you read the play, but this week's Softsoap-sponsored production of Macbeth is definitely not how you remember the Shakespearean tragedy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The pleasure you get from playing the two-finger waltz on the piano is astounding, especially considering it cost the life of an elephant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While the jazzercise class won't trim your thighs or waistline, it will leave you with a greater appreciation for brilliant composer Charles Mingus.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the Guinness World Record holder for Shortest Living Man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always feared spending the rest of your life as a streetwalker, but don't worry, there will be about two hours near the end when, for all intents and purposes, you'll be more of a field-crawler.

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