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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Your Horoscope 4152

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The year will fly right by after you accept new responsibilities in February, one of which will be to determine why the Earth is orbiting the sun at an increasingly rapid rate.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you disapprove of your neighbors' penchant for mean-spirited gossip, you will see the best in them come out this October when the entire town bands together to save the old rumor mill.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be transported to the year 5766—a bizarre world where black is white, right is wrong, and the consumption of pork and shellfish is prohibited by law—after converting to Judaism next month.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars say the new year is about putting the past behind and moving on with one's life. Unfortunately for you, the court prosecutor, ballistics expert, and team of forensic analysts don't agree.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You and your spouse will accidentally write the old year on an adoption form this week and find yourself with 2005 new Asian mouths to feed.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Following 33 years of uncertainty and confusion, things will finally start making sense around August when you decide to purchase a wall calendar.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    March will see you break two New Year's resolutions: the first after lighting up a cigarette, the second after putting it out in the cornea of the stranger you've tied to the radiator in your basement.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While the events that inspired it occurred over 50 years ago, investors this year will still be wary of backing your amusement park ride, The Holocoaster.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Faith will play a big role in your life this year, as evidenced by your stubborn insistence that if God had wanted you to accept homosexuals, he would have given you the ability to do so.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    As manager of a pet store, you've long suspected employees were flushing dead goldfish down the toilet. The poodles, on the other hand, will surprise you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your mother's death had you convinced last year was the worst of your life. But you will take that back this September, when you lose an umbrella.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be praised at work for your idea that the hugely successful British television program BBC World News should be adapted for American audiences.

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