Your Horoscope 4152

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Your Horoscope 4152

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The year will fly right by after you accept new responsibilities in February, one of which will be to determine why the Earth is orbiting the sun at an increasingly rapid rate.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you disapprove of your neighbors' penchant for mean-spirited gossip, you will see the best in them come out this October when the entire town bands together to save the old rumor mill.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be transported to the year 5766—a bizarre world where black is white, right is wrong, and the consumption of pork and shellfish is prohibited by law—after converting to Judaism next month.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars say the new year is about putting the past behind and moving on with one's life. Unfortunately for you, the court prosecutor, ballistics expert, and team of forensic analysts don't agree.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You and your spouse will accidentally write the old year on an adoption form this week and find yourself with 2005 new Asian mouths to feed.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Following 33 years of uncertainty and confusion, things will finally start making sense around August when you decide to purchase a wall calendar.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    March will see you break two New Year's resolutions: the first after lighting up a cigarette, the second after putting it out in the cornea of the stranger you've tied to the radiator in your basement.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While the events that inspired it occurred over 50 years ago, investors this year will still be wary of backing your amusement park ride, The Holocoaster.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Faith will play a big role in your life this year, as evidenced by your stubborn insistence that if God had wanted you to accept homosexuals, he would have given you the ability to do so.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    As manager of a pet store, you've long suspected employees were flushing dead goldfish down the toilet. The poodles, on the other hand, will surprise you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your mother's death had you convinced last year was the worst of your life. But you will take that back this September, when you lose an umbrella.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be praised at work for your idea that the hugely successful British television program BBC World News should be adapted for American audiences.