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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Your Horoscope 4201

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will fail to keep your New Year's resolution to ignore meaningless holidays and arbitrary personal decisions.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your insurance company insists that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you're still frozen in that block of ice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of your friends down in the marketing department, you decide to go ahead with plans to launch a winter invasion of Russia.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Due to conditions beyond fate's control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.

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