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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Your Horoscope 4201

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will fail to keep your New Year's resolution to ignore meaningless holidays and arbitrary personal decisions.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your insurance company insists that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you're still frozen in that block of ice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of your friends down in the marketing department, you decide to go ahead with plans to launch a winter invasion of Russia.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Due to conditions beyond fate's control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.

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