Your Horoscope 4204

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Your Horoscope 4204

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will start to suspect your husband of once again taking you to the circus instead of the ballet next week, when "The Sabre Dance," a movement usually found in the final act of Aram Khachaturian's Gayane, is played not only at the start of the show, but repeatedly throughout.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    In a heartbreaking county-fair mix-up, a blueberry pie, lovingly baked by your elderly mother and entered into competition, will be savagely devoured two booths over by 235-pound pie-eating champion Chuck "Crazy Jaws" Brewer in less than nine seconds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say pitying the homeless is just as bad, if not worse, than ignoring them—still no word on throwing food at them while laughing derisively.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Always on the lookout for more challenging games and puzzles, you'll meet your match next week after the release of the new Rubik's Tesseract, a brainteaser that's impossible to solve in our four-dimensional space-time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your career as a wacky morning DJ takes a hit next week when the National Water Conservation Association personally asks you to reduce the number of times a day you use the toilet-flushing sound effect.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    With only three months to go, the stars endorse your decision to keep the sex of your baby a surprise. However, the stars aren't so sure about your decision to keep the health, growth, and neurological development of your baby a surprise.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Twenty minutes after you first climb onto the trampoline, your unconscious body will finally bounce to a stop next week, leaving those waiting in line for a turn with mixed feelings.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You can't remember how you first got in trouble with the Japanese Mafia, but constantly mistaking them for the Chinese Mafia sure hasn't helped matters.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A harrowing struggle in which a masked assailant tries to suffocate you with a pillow turns out to be only a dream, or so you'll believe until the terrifying discovery of the pillow in your bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's funny, after 35 years of marriage you'd think you'd have an easier time identifying your wife's corpse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Next week, you and 3,244 other Eagles concertgoers will make the mistake of assuming someone else will bring the beach ball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The people at the local animal shelter wouldn't think so highly of you if they knew about your taxidermy hobby.
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