Your Horoscope 4204

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Your Horoscope 4204

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will start to suspect your husband of once again taking you to the circus instead of the ballet next week, when "The Sabre Dance," a movement usually found in the final act of Aram Khachaturian's Gayane, is played not only at the start of the show, but repeatedly throughout.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    In a heartbreaking county-fair mix-up, a blueberry pie, lovingly baked by your elderly mother and entered into competition, will be savagely devoured two booths over by 235-pound pie-eating champion Chuck "Crazy Jaws" Brewer in less than nine seconds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say pitying the homeless is just as bad, if not worse, than ignoring them—still no word on throwing food at them while laughing derisively.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Always on the lookout for more challenging games and puzzles, you'll meet your match next week after the release of the new Rubik's Tesseract, a brainteaser that's impossible to solve in our four-dimensional space-time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your career as a wacky morning DJ takes a hit next week when the National Water Conservation Association personally asks you to reduce the number of times a day you use the toilet-flushing sound effect.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    With only three months to go, the stars endorse your decision to keep the sex of your baby a surprise. However, the stars aren't so sure about your decision to keep the health, growth, and neurological development of your baby a surprise.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Twenty minutes after you first climb onto the trampoline, your unconscious body will finally bounce to a stop next week, leaving those waiting in line for a turn with mixed feelings.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You can't remember how you first got in trouble with the Japanese Mafia, but constantly mistaking them for the Chinese Mafia sure hasn't helped matters.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A harrowing struggle in which a masked assailant tries to suffocate you with a pillow turns out to be only a dream, or so you'll believe until the terrifying discovery of the pillow in your bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's funny, after 35 years of marriage you'd think you'd have an easier time identifying your wife's corpse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Next week, you and 3,244 other Eagles concertgoers will make the mistake of assuming someone else will bring the beach ball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The people at the local animal shelter wouldn't think so highly of you if they knew about your taxidermy hobby.