Your Horoscope 4204

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Your Horoscope 4204

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will start to suspect your husband of once again taking you to the circus instead of the ballet next week, when "The Sabre Dance," a movement usually found in the final act of Aram Khachaturian's Gayane, is played not only at the start of the show, but repeatedly throughout.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    In a heartbreaking county-fair mix-up, a blueberry pie, lovingly baked by your elderly mother and entered into competition, will be savagely devoured two booths over by 235-pound pie-eating champion Chuck "Crazy Jaws" Brewer in less than nine seconds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say pitying the homeless is just as bad, if not worse, than ignoring them—still no word on throwing food at them while laughing derisively.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Always on the lookout for more challenging games and puzzles, you'll meet your match next week after the release of the new Rubik's Tesseract, a brainteaser that's impossible to solve in our four-dimensional space-time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your career as a wacky morning DJ takes a hit next week when the National Water Conservation Association personally asks you to reduce the number of times a day you use the toilet-flushing sound effect.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    With only three months to go, the stars endorse your decision to keep the sex of your baby a surprise. However, the stars aren't so sure about your decision to keep the health, growth, and neurological development of your baby a surprise.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Twenty minutes after you first climb onto the trampoline, your unconscious body will finally bounce to a stop next week, leaving those waiting in line for a turn with mixed feelings.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You can't remember how you first got in trouble with the Japanese Mafia, but constantly mistaking them for the Chinese Mafia sure hasn't helped matters.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A harrowing struggle in which a masked assailant tries to suffocate you with a pillow turns out to be only a dream, or so you'll believe until the terrifying discovery of the pillow in your bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's funny, after 35 years of marriage you'd think you'd have an easier time identifying your wife's corpse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Next week, you and 3,244 other Eagles concertgoers will make the mistake of assuming someone else will bring the beach ball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The people at the local animal shelter wouldn't think so highly of you if they knew about your taxidermy hobby.