adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope 4204

Top Headlines

Recent News

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Your Horoscope 4204

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will start to suspect your husband of once again taking you to the circus instead of the ballet next week, when "The Sabre Dance," a movement usually found in the final act of Aram Khachaturian's Gayane, is played not only at the start of the show, but repeatedly throughout.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    In a heartbreaking county-fair mix-up, a blueberry pie, lovingly baked by your elderly mother and entered into competition, will be savagely devoured two booths over by 235-pound pie-eating champion Chuck "Crazy Jaws" Brewer in less than nine seconds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say pitying the homeless is just as bad, if not worse, than ignoring them—still no word on throwing food at them while laughing derisively.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Always on the lookout for more challenging games and puzzles, you'll meet your match next week after the release of the new Rubik's Tesseract, a brainteaser that's impossible to solve in our four-dimensional space-time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your career as a wacky morning DJ takes a hit next week when the National Water Conservation Association personally asks you to reduce the number of times a day you use the toilet-flushing sound effect.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    With only three months to go, the stars endorse your decision to keep the sex of your baby a surprise. However, the stars aren't so sure about your decision to keep the health, growth, and neurological development of your baby a surprise.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Twenty minutes after you first climb onto the trampoline, your unconscious body will finally bounce to a stop next week, leaving those waiting in line for a turn with mixed feelings.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You can't remember how you first got in trouble with the Japanese Mafia, but constantly mistaking them for the Chinese Mafia sure hasn't helped matters.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A harrowing struggle in which a masked assailant tries to suffocate you with a pillow turns out to be only a dream, or so you'll believe until the terrifying discovery of the pillow in your bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's funny, after 35 years of marriage you'd think you'd have an easier time identifying your wife's corpse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Next week, you and 3,244 other Eagles concertgoers will make the mistake of assuming someone else will bring the beach ball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The people at the local animal shelter wouldn't think so highly of you if they knew about your taxidermy hobby.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close