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Your Horoscope 4205

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Your Horoscope 4205

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have a hard time putting what it is that you don't like about your new neighbor into words next week, particularly after he slices through your larynx with a cheese grater.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will scour the periodic table of the elements for several weeks in search of a fitting name for your new heavy-metal trio. Unfortunately, both of your bandmates will feverishly object to Derek And The Borons on several counts.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've seen some disturbing displays of faith in your lifetime, but next week's encounter with a highly devout theoretical mathematician who expresses his love for Jesus Christ as an "unbounded dynamical system" takes the cake.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A graphic, unsettling slide, absent-mindedly fed into the projector upside down, will bring much-needed levity to your otherwise leaden murder trial this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You don't care what the other guys at NASA think, the blooper reel you compiled this week from 45 years of launch footage was pretty darn funny.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Subjecting your waitress to the observation that all restaurants are in fact revolving restaurants due to the invariable rotation of the earth on its axis will more than explain why you're dining alone.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're not saying that the awards are undeserved, but still, if all those people had wanted to see a gay cowboy movie, all they had to do was come by your basement anytime during the last 14 years.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    True to its promise, a new kitchen disinfectant will make life easier for you, a single working mother with two children. But that's only because you'll take to regularly huffing the highly toxic solvent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As a devoted female campus advocate, you've long maintained that "no" means "no," but next week will bring the realization that sometimes "no" also means "help."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This week, you'll prove wrong friends and family members who have long accused you of being self-centered and callous when you drive cross-state just to spend a couple of days with your step-uncle at his luxurious beachfront home.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After your second night away from the comforts of home, you'll start to wonder if camping out in line to get into the new state park was really worth the trouble.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Deep anger and bitter disappointment over the distance of your first discus throw will result seconds later in joy over the distance of your second discus throw.

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