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Your Horoscope 4205

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Your Horoscope 4205

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have a hard time putting what it is that you don't like about your new neighbor into words next week, particularly after he slices through your larynx with a cheese grater.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will scour the periodic table of the elements for several weeks in search of a fitting name for your new heavy-metal trio. Unfortunately, both of your bandmates will feverishly object to Derek And The Borons on several counts.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've seen some disturbing displays of faith in your lifetime, but next week's encounter with a highly devout theoretical mathematician who expresses his love for Jesus Christ as an "unbounded dynamical system" takes the cake.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A graphic, unsettling slide, absent-mindedly fed into the projector upside down, will bring much-needed levity to your otherwise leaden murder trial this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You don't care what the other guys at NASA think, the blooper reel you compiled this week from 45 years of launch footage was pretty darn funny.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Subjecting your waitress to the observation that all restaurants are in fact revolving restaurants due to the invariable rotation of the earth on its axis will more than explain why you're dining alone.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're not saying that the awards are undeserved, but still, if all those people had wanted to see a gay cowboy movie, all they had to do was come by your basement anytime during the last 14 years.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    True to its promise, a new kitchen disinfectant will make life easier for you, a single working mother with two children. But that's only because you'll take to regularly huffing the highly toxic solvent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As a devoted female campus advocate, you've long maintained that "no" means "no," but next week will bring the realization that sometimes "no" also means "help."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This week, you'll prove wrong friends and family members who have long accused you of being self-centered and callous when you drive cross-state just to spend a couple of days with your step-uncle at his luxurious beachfront home.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After your second night away from the comforts of home, you'll start to wonder if camping out in line to get into the new state park was really worth the trouble.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Deep anger and bitter disappointment over the distance of your first discus throw will result seconds later in joy over the distance of your second discus throw.

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