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Your Horoscope 4205

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Horoscope 4205

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have a hard time putting what it is that you don't like about your new neighbor into words next week, particularly after he slices through your larynx with a cheese grater.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will scour the periodic table of the elements for several weeks in search of a fitting name for your new heavy-metal trio. Unfortunately, both of your bandmates will feverishly object to Derek And The Borons on several counts.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've seen some disturbing displays of faith in your lifetime, but next week's encounter with a highly devout theoretical mathematician who expresses his love for Jesus Christ as an "unbounded dynamical system" takes the cake.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A graphic, unsettling slide, absent-mindedly fed into the projector upside down, will bring much-needed levity to your otherwise leaden murder trial this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You don't care what the other guys at NASA think, the blooper reel you compiled this week from 45 years of launch footage was pretty darn funny.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Subjecting your waitress to the observation that all restaurants are in fact revolving restaurants due to the invariable rotation of the earth on its axis will more than explain why you're dining alone.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're not saying that the awards are undeserved, but still, if all those people had wanted to see a gay cowboy movie, all they had to do was come by your basement anytime during the last 14 years.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    True to its promise, a new kitchen disinfectant will make life easier for you, a single working mother with two children. But that's only because you'll take to regularly huffing the highly toxic solvent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As a devoted female campus advocate, you've long maintained that "no" means "no," but next week will bring the realization that sometimes "no" also means "help."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This week, you'll prove wrong friends and family members who have long accused you of being self-centered and callous when you drive cross-state just to spend a couple of days with your step-uncle at his luxurious beachfront home.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After your second night away from the comforts of home, you'll start to wonder if camping out in line to get into the new state park was really worth the trouble.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Deep anger and bitter disappointment over the distance of your first discus throw will result seconds later in joy over the distance of your second discus throw.

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