Your Horoscope 4206

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions
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Your Horoscope 4206

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's easier to catch flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll soon learn it's easier to catch typhoid fever that way, too.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will attend an experimental theater production of Luigi Pirandello's Six Characters In Search Of An Author this week, only to spend the play's entire 90 minutes wishing that there was a fourth wall separating you from the actors.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's been years since you've been able to sit down and have a conversation with your daughter, and while your relationship overall won't change much, you'll still be relieved to discover that she has recently risen to the rank of Pink Goth.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You won't know whether to feel proud or insulted next week when representatives from Ravensburger travel hundreds of miles out to your farm just to photograph its wheat field for their new line of 12,000-piece puzzles.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her former husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Two hangnails and one cavity later, you will see that you were the victim of one hell of an underwhelming gypsy curse.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've long suspected your job as a studio executive to be vacuous and perhaps even inconsequential, but you'll have it confirmed later on this week when you hire two writers to brainstorm scenarios in which Stella could once again find her groove.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's not so much the employment of menstrual fluids in your paintings that unsettles others around you, but more your dependence on Jackson Pollock's splatter technique.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After 16 months of study, you will finally acquire a strong enough command of Spanish to exploit the language's inverted question mark in what you've eagerly described as your "most ambitious rotational anagram" to date.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your personal biases will interfere with your work this week, leading the other Ku Klux Klan members to ask that you harass Mexicans on your own time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Even after having spent 25 years as a geologist, you still freeze up every time you meet someone at a party and they ask you which is your favorite stratum of the earth's crust.


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