Your Horoscope 4206

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Your Horoscope 4206

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's easier to catch flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll soon learn it's easier to catch typhoid fever that way, too.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will attend an experimental theater production of Luigi Pirandello's Six Characters In Search Of An Author this week, only to spend the play's entire 90 minutes wishing that there was a fourth wall separating you from the actors.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's been years since you've been able to sit down and have a conversation with your daughter, and while your relationship overall won't change much, you'll still be relieved to discover that she has recently risen to the rank of Pink Goth.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You won't know whether to feel proud or insulted next week when representatives from Ravensburger travel hundreds of miles out to your farm just to photograph its wheat field for their new line of 12,000-piece puzzles.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her former husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Two hangnails and one cavity later, you will see that you were the victim of one hell of an underwhelming gypsy curse.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've long suspected your job as a studio executive to be vacuous and perhaps even inconsequential, but you'll have it confirmed later on this week when you hire two writers to brainstorm scenarios in which Stella could once again find her groove.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's not so much the employment of menstrual fluids in your paintings that unsettles others around you, but more your dependence on Jackson Pollock's splatter technique.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After 16 months of study, you will finally acquire a strong enough command of Spanish to exploit the language's inverted question mark in what you've eagerly described as your "most ambitious rotational anagram" to date.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your personal biases will interfere with your work this week, leading the other Ku Klux Klan members to ask that you harass Mexicans on your own time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Even after having spent 25 years as a geologist, you still freeze up every time you meet someone at a party and they ask you which is your favorite stratum of the earth's crust.