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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
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Your Horoscope 4206

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's easier to catch flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll soon learn it's easier to catch typhoid fever that way, too.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will attend an experimental theater production of Luigi Pirandello's Six Characters In Search Of An Author this week, only to spend the play's entire 90 minutes wishing that there was a fourth wall separating you from the actors.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's been years since you've been able to sit down and have a conversation with your daughter, and while your relationship overall won't change much, you'll still be relieved to discover that she has recently risen to the rank of Pink Goth.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You won't know whether to feel proud or insulted next week when representatives from Ravensburger travel hundreds of miles out to your farm just to photograph its wheat field for their new line of 12,000-piece puzzles.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her former husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Two hangnails and one cavity later, you will see that you were the victim of one hell of an underwhelming gypsy curse.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've long suspected your job as a studio executive to be vacuous and perhaps even inconsequential, but you'll have it confirmed later on this week when you hire two writers to brainstorm scenarios in which Stella could once again find her groove.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's not so much the employment of menstrual fluids in your paintings that unsettles others around you, but more your dependence on Jackson Pollock's splatter technique.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After 16 months of study, you will finally acquire a strong enough command of Spanish to exploit the language's inverted question mark in what you've eagerly described as your "most ambitious rotational anagram" to date.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your personal biases will interfere with your work this week, leading the other Ku Klux Klan members to ask that you harass Mexicans on your own time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Even after having spent 25 years as a geologist, you still freeze up every time you meet someone at a party and they ask you which is your favorite stratum of the earth's crust.

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