Your Horoscope - August 3, 2005

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Vol 41 Issue 31

August 1, 1956

Supreme Court Rules U.S. Fathers Should Not Be Disturbed During Dinner Hour

Suicide Bomber Killed En Route By Car Bomb

BAGHDAD—Terrorist cells in Baghdad are in mourning for suicide bomber Ahmed al-Khalaf, 19, who was killed by a car bomb Monday, 200 yards from an Iraqi police station, his intended target.

AFL-CIO Split

Last week, both the Teamsters and the SEIU bolted from the AFL-CIO, a bad sign for American organized labor. What do you think?

Anti-Terrorism Measures

In the wake of the London bombings, what are American cities doing to protect their citizens from terrorist attacks?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope - August 3, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your habit of falling out of trees, attempting to hide behind signposts, and following three feet behind people in broad daylight will force the government to adopt stricter ninja-certification standards.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Tuffers, a 4-year-old German shepherd, will make headlines and be honored nationwide after saving six people, but conspicuously not you, from an apartment-building fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It'd been about eight months since your personal hell disappeared overnight, but unfortunately, those stubby little buds on your forehead mean your antlers are back.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Although you've never wanted to accomplish anything in your life as far as career and family are concerned, time travelers will persist on trying to kill you, simply because you make such great panic noises.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The wheelchair and the indignity will be bad enough, but the worst part is going to be explaining to your wife exactly what you said to the genie to make him take off your legs like that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars, in their infinite cosmic wisdom, indicate that you should check out this radiation cloud on the far side of the Horsehead Nebula. It totally looks like Jesus.
  • Libra

    Libra

    After 10 years of marriage, sex is beginning to feel routine, mechanical, and artificial, which is just how you like it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The mayor of Los Angeles continues to say you've got to go, which is strange, since you've never been anywhere near Los Angeles in your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your utter self-confidence and endless optimism will provide boundless, if temporary, comfort to those trapped with you in the burning bus.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your cycle of drug, alcohol, and sex addiction will get even worse this week, but only for you personally. Most of your friends are still enjoying the hell out of it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You've never been much of a people person, so it will annoy you no end when most of your town stops by on Friday for no reason but to hang out.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will soon take a rather unromantic but extremely long night journey over and through a large body of water.
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