adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope - August 3, 2005

Top Headlines

Recent News

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope - August 3, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your habit of falling out of trees, attempting to hide behind signposts, and following three feet behind people in broad daylight will force the government to adopt stricter ninja-certification standards.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Tuffers, a 4-year-old German shepherd, will make headlines and be honored nationwide after saving six people, but conspicuously not you, from an apartment-building fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It'd been about eight months since your personal hell disappeared overnight, but unfortunately, those stubby little buds on your forehead mean your antlers are back.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although you've never wanted to accomplish anything in your life as far as career and family are concerned, time travelers will persist on trying to kill you, simply because you make such great panic noises.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The wheelchair and the indignity will be bad enough, but the worst part is going to be explaining to your wife exactly what you said to the genie to make him take off your legs like that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars, in their infinite cosmic wisdom, indicate that you should check out this radiation cloud on the far side of the Horsehead Nebula. It totally looks like Jesus.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 10 years of marriage, sex is beginning to feel routine, mechanical, and artificial, which is just how you like it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The mayor of Los Angeles continues to say you've got to go, which is strange, since you've never been anywhere near Los Angeles in your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your utter self-confidence and endless optimism will provide boundless, if temporary, comfort to those trapped with you in the burning bus.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your cycle of drug, alcohol, and sex addiction will get even worse this week, but only for you personally. Most of your friends are still enjoying the hell out of it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been much of a people person, so it will annoy you no end when most of your town stops by on Friday for no reason but to hang out.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon take a rather unromantic but extremely long night journey over and through a large body of water.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close