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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscope - August 3, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your habit of falling out of trees, attempting to hide behind signposts, and following three feet behind people in broad daylight will force the government to adopt stricter ninja-certification standards.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Tuffers, a 4-year-old German shepherd, will make headlines and be honored nationwide after saving six people, but conspicuously not you, from an apartment-building fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It'd been about eight months since your personal hell disappeared overnight, but unfortunately, those stubby little buds on your forehead mean your antlers are back.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although you've never wanted to accomplish anything in your life as far as career and family are concerned, time travelers will persist on trying to kill you, simply because you make such great panic noises.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The wheelchair and the indignity will be bad enough, but the worst part is going to be explaining to your wife exactly what you said to the genie to make him take off your legs like that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars, in their infinite cosmic wisdom, indicate that you should check out this radiation cloud on the far side of the Horsehead Nebula. It totally looks like Jesus.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 10 years of marriage, sex is beginning to feel routine, mechanical, and artificial, which is just how you like it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The mayor of Los Angeles continues to say you've got to go, which is strange, since you've never been anywhere near Los Angeles in your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your utter self-confidence and endless optimism will provide boundless, if temporary, comfort to those trapped with you in the burning bus.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your cycle of drug, alcohol, and sex addiction will get even worse this week, but only for you personally. Most of your friends are still enjoying the hell out of it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been much of a people person, so it will annoy you no end when most of your town stops by on Friday for no reason but to hang out.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon take a rather unromantic but extremely long night journey over and through a large body of water.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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