Your Horoscope - Week Of July 27, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 30

Several NBA Teams Interested In Shaq As A Person

NEW YORK—Officials from the Hawks, Celtics, and Heat expressed interest in Shaquille O'Neal as a person Wednesday, confirming league rumors that they believed the free agent center would be highly suitable for a long-term friendship.

New Robot Capable Of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion

PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had built the first robot with the capacity to suppress its emotions.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope - Week Of July 27, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be gone too.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've always wanted to yell "Stop the presses," but just when it looks as though you'll finally get an opportunity to do so, they'll feed you in head first.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Readers across the nation will finally be exposed to your literary genius and scintillating wordplay now that the DOT has approved your custom license plate.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will make medical history this week as the first person to recover from smallpox only to die from a never-before-seen strain of enormouspox.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll learn too late that love and deception often go hand in hand when the eloquent stranger sending you love letters turns out not to be the real Sarah Vowell.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The flame of true love will finally gutter and die in your soul, but take heart: The flame of too many video game systems plugged into a single outlet still burns brightly in your living room.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Nothing will seem sadder to you than the sight of the hooks that once held her photograph, but there's absolutely nothing else in the room to stare at for hours on end.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    When you were a child, you spoke as a child, you understood as a child, and you thought as a child; so no real changes, then.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your lifelong search for a soul mate will come to an end at last when you discover it was Robert Kearns, inventor of the intermittent windshield wiper, who died in 2005.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll do your part for the environment this week when you recycle what's left of the nurses into furniture, decorative items, and innovative storage solutions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Just when you think all subtle beauty has finally faded from the world, you'll remember "So Into You" by the Atlanta Rhythm Section.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Love may mean different things to different people, but it's surprising how many definitions include heavy investment in real estate.
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