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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscope - Week Of July 27, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be gone too.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always wanted to yell "Stop the presses," but just when it looks as though you'll finally get an opportunity to do so, they'll feed you in head first.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Readers across the nation will finally be exposed to your literary genius and scintillating wordplay now that the DOT has approved your custom license plate.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will make medical history this week as the first person to recover from smallpox only to die from a never-before-seen strain of enormouspox.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll learn too late that love and deception often go hand in hand when the eloquent stranger sending you love letters turns out not to be the real Sarah Vowell.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The flame of true love will finally gutter and die in your soul, but take heart: The flame of too many video game systems plugged into a single outlet still burns brightly in your living room.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Nothing will seem sadder to you than the sight of the hooks that once held her photograph, but there's absolutely nothing else in the room to stare at for hours on end.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When you were a child, you spoke as a child, you understood as a child, and you thought as a child; so no real changes, then.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lifelong search for a soul mate will come to an end at last when you discover it was Robert Kearns, inventor of the intermittent windshield wiper, who died in 2005.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll do your part for the environment this week when you recycle what's left of the nurses into furniture, decorative items, and innovative storage solutions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Just when you think all subtle beauty has finally faded from the world, you'll remember "So Into You" by the Atlanta Rhythm Section.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Love may mean different things to different people, but it's surprising how many definitions include heavy investment in real estate.
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