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Your Horoscope - Week Of July 27, 2010

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscope - Week Of July 27, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be gone too.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always wanted to yell "Stop the presses," but just when it looks as though you'll finally get an opportunity to do so, they'll feed you in head first.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Readers across the nation will finally be exposed to your literary genius and scintillating wordplay now that the DOT has approved your custom license plate.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will make medical history this week as the first person to recover from smallpox only to die from a never-before-seen strain of enormouspox.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll learn too late that love and deception often go hand in hand when the eloquent stranger sending you love letters turns out not to be the real Sarah Vowell.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The flame of true love will finally gutter and die in your soul, but take heart: The flame of too many video game systems plugged into a single outlet still burns brightly in your living room.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Nothing will seem sadder to you than the sight of the hooks that once held her photograph, but there's absolutely nothing else in the room to stare at for hours on end.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When you were a child, you spoke as a child, you understood as a child, and you thought as a child; so no real changes, then.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lifelong search for a soul mate will come to an end at last when you discover it was Robert Kearns, inventor of the intermittent windshield wiper, who died in 2005.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll do your part for the environment this week when you recycle what's left of the nurses into furniture, decorative items, and innovative storage solutions.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Just when you think all subtle beauty has finally faded from the world, you'll remember "So Into You" by the Atlanta Rhythm Section.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Love may mean different things to different people, but it's surprising how many definitions include heavy investment in real estate.

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