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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the late light of the sun on the Plaza Del Toros must be enough for you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It is good to sit at the bar with one's feet on the bright brass rail while the old hunters lie their lies about the snow leopards of Kilimanjaro.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There may be as many as 200 fragments of shrapnel in you, but it is as nothing compared to the bone spur of the great DiMaggio.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As the gangrene in your leg worsens and the seaplane seems that it will never arrive, do not rob your death of nobility by selfishly clinging to Catherine's keening pity.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You shall never be as close to a friend as the friends who shared your foxhole and your cigarettes and on good days your sherry and then one day died in the war.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In Michigan the spring is late but sudden and the quicksilver trout will hit the hook with strength enough to break your heart and you can almost forget that she did not love you, she never had.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When you feel you must cry for the love of your woman, take her to the pictures and then, without warning, seize her and kiss her by the machine for the making of the popcorn.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There will come one last perfect day, a day when the laughter flows like wine or tears, and after this perfect day there will be nothing for you but the gritty embrace of the grave.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As you wheel smartly down the Rue des Artistes in the gin-bright air of a new spring, you will know in blood and bone that it is a fine thing to be an ambulance driver, a fine thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    With your friends betrayed by a woman and your soul betrayed by greed, you will seek to bury your sword-cane in a priest’s black heart.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Then come the days of leaden sky and no breath of wind, and your native bearers sigh, "There is no weather today. Today we drink, sir."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    And if there be an end to it, let it be this, that I was more or less a man.


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