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Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the late light of the sun on the Plaza Del Toros must be enough for you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It is good to sit at the bar with one's feet on the bright brass rail while the old hunters lie their lies about the snow leopards of Kilimanjaro.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There may be as many as 200 fragments of shrapnel in you, but it is as nothing compared to the bone spur of the great DiMaggio.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As the gangrene in your leg worsens and the seaplane seems that it will never arrive, do not rob your death of nobility by selfishly clinging to Catherine's keening pity.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You shall never be as close to a friend as the friends who shared your foxhole and your cigarettes and on good days your sherry and then one day died in the war.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In Michigan the spring is late but sudden and the quicksilver trout will hit the hook with strength enough to break your heart and you can almost forget that she did not love you, she never had.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When you feel you must cry for the love of your woman, take her to the pictures and then, without warning, seize her and kiss her by the machine for the making of the popcorn.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There will come one last perfect day, a day when the laughter flows like wine or tears, and after this perfect day there will be nothing for you but the gritty embrace of the grave.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As you wheel smartly down the Rue des Artistes in the gin-bright air of a new spring, you will know in blood and bone that it is a fine thing to be an ambulance driver, a fine thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    With your friends betrayed by a woman and your soul betrayed by greed, you will seek to bury your sword-cane in a priest’s black heart.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Then come the days of leaden sky and no breath of wind, and your native bearers sigh, "There is no weather today. Today we drink, sir."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    And if there be an end to it, let it be this, that I was more or less a man.

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