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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, which explains why you keep trying to invade Russia during the summer of 1941.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon leave your own personal mark on the world, at least until emergency crews have time to arrive and hose it off.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All of your money problems will be solved this week when you realize that those large piles of "cash" can be exchanged for goods and services.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's a filthy habit and you should really know better at your age. Then again, there's something to be said for the convenience of diapers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that this is a good week to spend surrounded by loved ones, especially your father, and especially before Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You claim to be more of a leader than a follower, but that's only because you've heard other people say the same thing before.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will suffer the greatest humiliation of your life this week when community leaders decide to tear you down for being an eyesore.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Grim Reaper himself will visit you this evening, but much to your dismay, all he really wants is to borrow another 20 dollars.

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