Aries | March 21 to April 19
Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, which explains why you keep trying to invade Russia during the summer of 1941.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll soon leave your own personal mark on the world, at least until emergency crews have time to arrive and hose it off.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
All of your money problems will be solved this week when you realize that those large piles of "cash" can be exchanged for goods and services.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It's a filthy habit and you should really know better at your age. Then again, there's something to be said for the convenience of diapers.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars indicate that this is a good week to spend surrounded by loved ones, especially your father, and especially before Thursday.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You claim to be more of a leader than a follower, but that's only because you've heard other people say the same thing before.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will suffer the greatest humiliation of your life this week when community leaders decide to tear you down for being an eyesore.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The Grim Reaper himself will visit you this evening, but much to your dismay, all he really wants is to borrow another 20 dollars.
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