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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, which explains why you keep trying to invade Russia during the summer of 1941.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon leave your own personal mark on the world, at least until emergency crews have time to arrive and hose it off.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All of your money problems will be solved this week when you realize that those large piles of "cash" can be exchanged for goods and services.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's a filthy habit and you should really know better at your age. Then again, there's something to be said for the convenience of diapers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that this is a good week to spend surrounded by loved ones, especially your father, and especially before Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You claim to be more of a leader than a follower, but that's only because you've heard other people say the same thing before.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will suffer the greatest humiliation of your life this week when community leaders decide to tear you down for being an eyesore.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Grim Reaper himself will visit you this evening, but much to your dismay, all he really wants is to borrow another 20 dollars.

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