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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your foot will fall asleep this Thursday, but not before draining a full bottle of whiskey, throwing up in an abandoned parking lot, and repeatedly calling its ex-wife on the phone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The ghost of Richard Dean Anderson will soon pay you a visit and spend the entire time insisting he's not dead yet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week be sure to pray to St. Harold, the Patron Saint of Falling Down The Basement Stairs, Shattering Both Your Hips, And Laying Paralyzed Until Someone Gets Home.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer had its latest prediction all set to go, but then it found out about this cool new thing called Twitter, and well…you understand.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The average human adult has a total of 32 teeth. Look behind the couch, beneath the coffee table, and inside the dryer for the remaining 12 or so.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The eyes in that painting will seem to follow you around the room, which is quite odd for a Jackson Pollock.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    High-powered telescopes will soon allow scientists to peer back at the very birth of the universe, though it's the steamy and rather forceful conception they're more interested in.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The good news is that you're dyslexic. The bad news, however, is that you switched the good news and bad news around.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everyone laughed when you sent your dog to the Canine Academy Of Design, but they won't be laughing this week when he continues to shit all over their lawn.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A whirlwind romance will sweep you off your feet this week, before destroying your home, smashing your valuables, and dropping you off three states away.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of that waffle menu.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll spend your remaining years hooked up to a machine, which is sad, as it's the kind that checks e-mail and sends out texts.

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