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Vol 45 Issue 08

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your foot will fall asleep this Thursday, but not before draining a full bottle of whiskey, throwing up in an abandoned parking lot, and repeatedly calling its ex-wife on the phone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The ghost of Richard Dean Anderson will soon pay you a visit and spend the entire time insisting he's not dead yet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    This week be sure to pray to St. Harold, the Patron Saint of Falling Down The Basement Stairs, Shattering Both Your Hips, And Laying Paralyzed Until Someone Gets Home.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Cancer had its latest prediction all set to go, but then it found out about this cool new thing called Twitter, and well…you understand.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The average human adult has a total of 32 teeth. Look behind the couch, beneath the coffee table, and inside the dryer for the remaining 12 or so.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The eyes in that painting will seem to follow you around the room, which is quite odd for a Jackson Pollock.
  • Libra

    Libra

    High-powered telescopes will soon allow scientists to peer back at the very birth of the universe, though it's the steamy and rather forceful conception they're more interested in.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The good news is that you're dyslexic. The bad news, however, is that you switched the good news and bad news around.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Everyone laughed when you sent your dog to the Canine Academy Of Design, but they won't be laughing this week when he continues to shit all over their lawn.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A whirlwind romance will sweep you off your feet this week, before destroying your home, smashing your valuables, and dropping you off three states away.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of that waffle menu.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll spend your remaining years hooked up to a machine, which is sad, as it's the kind that checks e-mail and sends out texts.
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