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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your foot will fall asleep this Thursday, but not before draining a full bottle of whiskey, throwing up in an abandoned parking lot, and repeatedly calling its ex-wife on the phone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The ghost of Richard Dean Anderson will soon pay you a visit and spend the entire time insisting he's not dead yet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week be sure to pray to St. Harold, the Patron Saint of Falling Down The Basement Stairs, Shattering Both Your Hips, And Laying Paralyzed Until Someone Gets Home.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer had its latest prediction all set to go, but then it found out about this cool new thing called Twitter, and well…you understand.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The average human adult has a total of 32 teeth. Look behind the couch, beneath the coffee table, and inside the dryer for the remaining 12 or so.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The eyes in that painting will seem to follow you around the room, which is quite odd for a Jackson Pollock.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    High-powered telescopes will soon allow scientists to peer back at the very birth of the universe, though it's the steamy and rather forceful conception they're more interested in.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The good news is that you're dyslexic. The bad news, however, is that you switched the good news and bad news around.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everyone laughed when you sent your dog to the Canine Academy Of Design, but they won't be laughing this week when he continues to shit all over their lawn.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A whirlwind romance will sweep you off your feet this week, before destroying your home, smashing your valuables, and dropping you off three states away.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of that waffle menu.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll spend your remaining years hooked up to a machine, which is sad, as it's the kind that checks e-mail and sends out texts.

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