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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your foot will fall asleep this Thursday, but not before draining a full bottle of whiskey, throwing up in an abandoned parking lot, and repeatedly calling its ex-wife on the phone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The ghost of Richard Dean Anderson will soon pay you a visit and spend the entire time insisting he's not dead yet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week be sure to pray to St. Harold, the Patron Saint of Falling Down The Basement Stairs, Shattering Both Your Hips, And Laying Paralyzed Until Someone Gets Home.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer had its latest prediction all set to go, but then it found out about this cool new thing called Twitter, and well…you understand.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The average human adult has a total of 32 teeth. Look behind the couch, beneath the coffee table, and inside the dryer for the remaining 12 or so.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The eyes in that painting will seem to follow you around the room, which is quite odd for a Jackson Pollock.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    High-powered telescopes will soon allow scientists to peer back at the very birth of the universe, though it's the steamy and rather forceful conception they're more interested in.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The good news is that you're dyslexic. The bad news, however, is that you switched the good news and bad news around.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everyone laughed when you sent your dog to the Canine Academy Of Design, but they won't be laughing this week when he continues to shit all over their lawn.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A whirlwind romance will sweep you off your feet this week, before destroying your home, smashing your valuables, and dropping you off three states away.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of that waffle menu.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll spend your remaining years hooked up to a machine, which is sad, as it's the kind that checks e-mail and sends out texts.

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