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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've got a pair of gams that just won't quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you're a Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Something deep inside of you will re-awaken this week. Plan to spend most of Thursday sitting in your bathroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.


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