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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've got a pair of gams that just won't quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you're a Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Something deep inside of you will re-awaken this week. Plan to spend most of Thursday sitting in your bathroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.

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