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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, when life least expects it, throw the lemonade right in its spiteful face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn't last another 100 years, but that's because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    On sale this week at Cancer. Love advice, 99 cents a pound. Fresh, organic prophecies, two for $2.25. Plus, Zodiac-brand Fortune Bars, only $4 until supplies last.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it's the giant mosquito costume.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The cosmic sands of time will sweep through your sign this week, filling your shorts with eons of frustration.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you'll refuse to put down.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A magic carpet ride awaits Scorpio this week. Prepare to travel from the trunk of an old Buick, down the Brooklyn Bridge, and into the East River.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    No one likes to hear that they're going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Teach your cockatiel something else to say.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person's shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Giving birth is a life-changing experience, especially when it shoots straight out of your sternum like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Saturn in your sign this week is cause for concern, as Pisces has had a restraining order against the planet for years.


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