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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, when life least expects it, throw the lemonade right in its spiteful face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn't last another 100 years, but that's because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    On sale this week at Cancer. Love advice, 99 cents a pound. Fresh, organic prophecies, two for $2.25. Plus, Zodiac-brand Fortune Bars, only $4 until supplies last.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it's the giant mosquito costume.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The cosmic sands of time will sweep through your sign this week, filling your shorts with eons of frustration.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you'll refuse to put down.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A magic carpet ride awaits Scorpio this week. Prepare to travel from the trunk of an old Buick, down the Brooklyn Bridge, and into the East River.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    No one likes to hear that they're going to be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their life. Teach your cockatiel something else to say.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can learn a lot by putting yourself in another person's shoes. Go the extra mile and put yourself in their clothes, their delicate hosieries, and their intoxicating undergarments.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Giving birth is a life-changing experience, especially when it shoots straight out of your sternum like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Saturn in your sign this week is cause for concern, as Pisces has had a restraining order against the planet for years.

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