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Vol 45 Issue 11

Area Man Down To Final Week Of Heyday

CHICAGO—"I'm having a blast," said Brian Konig, unaware that work-related stress and financial responsibility will soon put a tragic end to his personal apex.

Christian Salt Introduced

After reportedly tiring of hearing chefs on television recommend kosher salt, a retired barber has introduced Blessed Christians Salt, which is sea salt blessed by an Episcopal priest. What to you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

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    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After years of putting up an emotional wall, you'll realize the error of your ways this week and purchase three tons of brick and cement instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to "motherfucker."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The baboon will see you as a threat to the social hierarchy of the pack, which truth be told, is giving you way too much credit.
  • Leo

    Leo

    He'll scream, they'll scream, you'll all scream for ice cream—forcing several orderlies to rush back into the room and strap everyone down in their beds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    They say you're getting a little too old for a pacifier. Then again, as long as they let you keep sucking on their tits they can say whatever they want.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you still don't understand why they always have to use yours.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it's the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas station.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You're a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Pisces.
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