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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of putting up an emotional wall, you'll realize the error of your ways this week and purchase three tons of brick and cement instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will uncover an ancient Aztec curse this Thursday, one frightened locals say translates to "motherfucker."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The baboon will see you as a threat to the social hierarchy of the pack, which truth be told, is giving you way too much credit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    He'll scream, they'll scream, you'll all scream for ice cream—forcing several orderlies to rush back into the room and strap everyone down in their beds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They say you're getting a little too old for a pacifier. Then again, as long as they let you keep sucking on their tits they can say whatever they want.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you still don't understand why they always have to use yours.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it's the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas station.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Pisces.

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