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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be punished for playing God this week, which isn't surprising, considering the cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blonde hair you gave Him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    NASA officials will once again select you for a very important mission. Though, to be fair, going out and getting them coffee isn't as exciting as it used to be.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All of your money problems will soon be solved, including how many more quarters Suzie has than Scott, and what, if any change, Michael should get back from Michelle.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After years of painstaking research and rigorous clinical trials, medical science still doesn't have an answer for why you're such a jerk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    That bottle of whiskey might help you sleep, but then, there's probably an easier way than smashing it over your head every night.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be praised for your contributions in the field of forensic science, though much of the credit should go to the barbed wire, the hydrofluoric acid, and the radial arm saw.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Previously on Libra—"Is that…could it be…yes, it's the tall, dark stranger!" "Welcome to Sydney madam, I hope last night's journey over water was to your liking." "32, 8, 17, 24, 5."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his neighbor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A mixture of dread, anxiety and utter disgust will be yours this week when the nation's housing blister finally bursts.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll soon bathe in the blood of your enemies, though not before a number of rather embarrassing hints from your friends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Avoid staring directly at the stars this week, as a rider in their contract forbids anyone from making eye contact with them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've spent years living in a fantasy world, which is rather unfortunate, as it's one dreamed up by that hack Robert Jordan.

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