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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be punished for playing God this week, which isn't surprising, considering the cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blonde hair you gave Him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    NASA officials will once again select you for a very important mission. Though, to be fair, going out and getting them coffee isn't as exciting as it used to be.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All of your money problems will soon be solved, including how many more quarters Suzie has than Scott, and what, if any change, Michael should get back from Michelle.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After years of painstaking research and rigorous clinical trials, medical science still doesn't have an answer for why you're such a jerk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    That bottle of whiskey might help you sleep, but then, there's probably an easier way than smashing it over your head every night.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be praised for your contributions in the field of forensic science, though much of the credit should go to the barbed wire, the hydrofluoric acid, and the radial arm saw.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Previously on Libra—"Is that…could it be…yes, it's the tall, dark stranger!" "Welcome to Sydney madam, I hope last night's journey over water was to your liking." "32, 8, 17, 24, 5."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his neighbor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A mixture of dread, anxiety and utter disgust will be yours this week when the nation's housing blister finally bursts.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll soon bathe in the blood of your enemies, though not before a number of rather embarrassing hints from your friends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Avoid staring directly at the stars this week, as a rider in their contract forbids anyone from making eye contact with them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've spent years living in a fantasy world, which is rather unfortunate, as it's one dreamed up by that hack Robert Jordan.

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