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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be punished for playing God this week, which isn't surprising, considering the cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blonde hair you gave Him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    NASA officials will once again select you for a very important mission. Though, to be fair, going out and getting them coffee isn't as exciting as it used to be.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All of your money problems will soon be solved, including how many more quarters Suzie has than Scott, and what, if any change, Michael should get back from Michelle.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After years of painstaking research and rigorous clinical trials, medical science still doesn't have an answer for why you're such a jerk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    That bottle of whiskey might help you sleep, but then, there's probably an easier way than smashing it over your head every night.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be praised for your contributions in the field of forensic science, though much of the credit should go to the barbed wire, the hydrofluoric acid, and the radial arm saw.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Previously on Libra—"Is that…could it be…yes, it's the tall, dark stranger!" "Welcome to Sydney madam, I hope last night's journey over water was to your liking." "32, 8, 17, 24, 5."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his neighbor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A mixture of dread, anxiety and utter disgust will be yours this week when the nation's housing blister finally bursts.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll soon bathe in the blood of your enemies, though not before a number of rather embarrassing hints from your friends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Avoid staring directly at the stars this week, as a rider in their contract forbids anyone from making eye contact with them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've spent years living in a fantasy world, which is rather unfortunate, as it's one dreamed up by that hack Robert Jordan.

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