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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't worry your pretty little head about next week's events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but then, they're still quite tired from having all that sex with your wife.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be honored this week by the prestigious Academy Of Just Handing These Damn Things Out To Whoever's Around.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say animals can often sense an earthquake moments before it strikes, which explains why so many of them are smiling at you right now.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A premature and rather curious birth this week will bring new meaning to the idiom "all thumbs."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Note: This week's horoscope has been classified by the CIA due to a series of national security concerns. The constellation Scorpio has already been detained.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never felt comfortable with math or science, which makes complete sense, as the two disciplines molested you as a child.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The judge will sentence you to three weeks of community service work at a nearby park, which is exactly what you were doing when the cops picked you up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet. But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth. Barricade the door to your goddamn basement before it arrives.


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