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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't worry your pretty little head about next week's events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but then, they're still quite tired from having all that sex with your wife.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be honored this week by the prestigious Academy Of Just Handing These Damn Things Out To Whoever's Around.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say animals can often sense an earthquake moments before it strikes, which explains why so many of them are smiling at you right now.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A premature and rather curious birth this week will bring new meaning to the idiom "all thumbs."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Note: This week's horoscope has been classified by the CIA due to a series of national security concerns. The constellation Scorpio has already been detained.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never felt comfortable with math or science, which makes complete sense, as the two disciplines molested you as a child.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The judge will sentence you to three weeks of community service work at a nearby park, which is exactly what you were doing when the cops picked you up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet. But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth. Barricade the door to your goddamn basement before it arrives.
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