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Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't worry your pretty little head about next week's events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but then, they're still quite tired from having all that sex with your wife.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be honored this week by the prestigious Academy Of Just Handing These Damn Things Out To Whoever's Around.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say animals can often sense an earthquake moments before it strikes, which explains why so many of them are smiling at you right now.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A premature and rather curious birth this week will bring new meaning to the idiom "all thumbs."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Note: This week's horoscope has been classified by the CIA due to a series of national security concerns. The constellation Scorpio has already been detained.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never felt comfortable with math or science, which makes complete sense, as the two disciplines molested you as a child.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The judge will sentence you to three weeks of community service work at a nearby park, which is exactly what you were doing when the cops picked you up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet. But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth. Barricade the door to your goddamn basement before it arrives.