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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't worry your pretty little head about next week's events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but then, they're still quite tired from having all that sex with your wife.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be honored this week by the prestigious Academy Of Just Handing These Damn Things Out To Whoever's Around.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say animals can often sense an earthquake moments before it strikes, which explains why so many of them are smiling at you right now.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A premature and rather curious birth this week will bring new meaning to the idiom "all thumbs."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Note: This week's horoscope has been classified by the CIA due to a series of national security concerns. The constellation Scorpio has already been detained.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never felt comfortable with math or science, which makes complete sense, as the two disciplines molested you as a child.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The judge will sentence you to three weeks of community service work at a nearby park, which is exactly what you were doing when the cops picked you up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet. But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth. Barricade the door to your goddamn basement before it arrives.

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