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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with cargo and crew.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. After this Thursday though, it'll mostly just be nightmares.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A freak accident this week will endow you with the relative strength and speed of 10 wheelchair-bound men.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that's primarily because it's a suppository.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes you wish you could just close your eyes and disappear. Wait, no. Not sometimes. Always.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although you've certainly slept your way somewhere, no one would ever mistake it for the top.

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