Your Horoscopes

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Healthy Eating

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with cargo and crew.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. After this Thursday though, it'll mostly just be nightmares.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A freak accident this week will endow you with the relative strength and speed of 10 wheelchair-bound men.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that's primarily because it's a suppository.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes you wish you could just close your eyes and disappear. Wait, no. Not sometimes. Always.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although you've certainly slept your way somewhere, no one would ever mistake it for the top.
Next Story