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Vol 45 Issue 14

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll have your train of thought derailed this week, instantly killing thousands of Indian passengers, injuring countless livestock, and choking the streets with cargo and crew.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. After this Thursday though, it'll mostly just be nightmares.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A freak accident this week will endow you with the relative strength and speed of 10 wheelchair-bound men.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that's primarily because it's a suppository.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sometimes you wish you could just close your eyes and disappear. Wait, no. Not sometimes. Always.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Although you've certainly slept your way somewhere, no one would ever mistake it for the top.
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