adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes

Top Headlines

Recent News

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you're a woman now.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a breadbox, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The bible will stop the bullet dead in its tracks, though why you keep it fastened to your genitals like that is anyone's guess.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll fall for the oldest trick in the book, which is rather sad, as it's the one where everything comes together in the end.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A mixture of horror and impatience will be yours this week when you become the latest victim of the Doesn't Really Know What He's Doing Killer.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Surviving this week will hinge heavily on the bear's ability to understand English, his grasp of such higher concepts as mercy, and whether or not you'll let go of that honey.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Starting next Thursday, every walk you go on will automatically be a Cancer Walk.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close