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Vol 45 Issue 15

Tickets Up, Concessions Down

As movie ticket sales reverse the downward trend they've been experiencing in recent years, concession sales have been stagnant or lower. What do...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you're a woman now.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a breadbox, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The bible will stop the bullet dead in its tracks, though why you keep it fastened to your genitals like that is anyone's guess.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll fall for the oldest trick in the book, which is rather sad, as it's the one where everything comes together in the end.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A mixture of horror and impatience will be yours this week when you become the latest victim of the Doesn't Really Know What He's Doing Killer.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Surviving this week will hinge heavily on the bear's ability to understand English, his grasp of such higher concepts as mercy, and whether or not you'll let go of that honey.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Starting next Thursday, every walk you go on will automatically be a Cancer Walk.
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