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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you're a woman now.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a breadbox, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The bible will stop the bullet dead in its tracks, though why you keep it fastened to your genitals like that is anyone's guess.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll fall for the oldest trick in the book, which is rather sad, as it's the one where everything comes together in the end.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A mixture of horror and impatience will be yours this week when you become the latest victim of the Doesn't Really Know What He's Doing Killer.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Surviving this week will hinge heavily on the bear's ability to understand English, his grasp of such higher concepts as mercy, and whether or not you'll let go of that honey.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Starting next Thursday, every walk you go on will automatically be a Cancer Walk.

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