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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you're a woman now.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a breadbox, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The bible will stop the bullet dead in its tracks, though why you keep it fastened to your genitals like that is anyone's guess.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll fall for the oldest trick in the book, which is rather sad, as it's the one where everything comes together in the end.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A mixture of horror and impatience will be yours this week when you become the latest victim of the Doesn't Really Know What He's Doing Killer.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Surviving this week will hinge heavily on the bear's ability to understand English, his grasp of such higher concepts as mercy, and whether or not you'll let go of that honey.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Starting next Thursday, every walk you go on will automatically be a Cancer Walk.


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