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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren't so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Set your inner child free! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you're better off not knowing exactly what that means.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll struggle to remember how you ever got around before owning a car, which is to be expected after suffering a head-on collision like that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you'll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.

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