adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren't so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Set your inner child free! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you're better off not knowing exactly what that means.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll struggle to remember how you ever got around before owning a car, which is to be expected after suffering a head-on collision like that.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you'll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close