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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can't be said for your live-in nurse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you had a dollar for every time a gorgeous woman invited you back to her place, you probably wouldn't be saving for that prostitute right about now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The kinds of changes that await you this week can be readily found within the pages of most high school chemistry books.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at the nearby motel every other Tuesday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Humiliation will be yours this week when astronomers discover four large satellites orbiting around you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sure, smoking won't make you look cool, but at least it'll give you an excuse for being so incredibly lame.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll put yourself through college by stripping, which wouldn't be so bad if you were doing it for the tuition money rather than the classroom grades.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An attempt at composing the perfect love sonnet will fail time and again this week when you fall for a girl named "Orange."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Curiosity will kill the cat this week, though the microwave, the duct tape, and the tupperware container will be mostly to blame.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Like a river that has, due to a number of environmental changes, begun to run dry, so too will your life become strained and hard to parse.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's just something about women you find completely irresistible. Probably their reproductive organs.


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