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Vol 45 Issue 17

Three Fingered On Class Trip To Washington, D.C.

WASHINGTON—The second fingering reportedly took place Thursday night at the hotel after chaperones failed to notice that Nick Stern had been hiding in Jamie Cavanaugh's bathroom during a 10 p.m. room check.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can't be said for your live-in nurse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    If you had a dollar for every time a gorgeous woman invited you back to her place, you probably wouldn't be saving for that prostitute right about now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The kinds of changes that await you this week can be readily found within the pages of most high school chemistry books.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at the nearby motel every other Tuesday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Humiliation will be yours this week when astronomers discover four large satellites orbiting around you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Sure, smoking won't make you look cool, but at least it'll give you an excuse for being so incredibly lame.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll put yourself through college by stripping, which wouldn't be so bad if you were doing it for the tuition money rather than the classroom grades.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    An attempt at composing the perfect love sonnet will fail time and again this week when you fall for a girl named "Orange."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Curiosity will kill the cat this week, though the microwave, the duct tape, and the tupperware container will be mostly to blame.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Like a river that has, due to a number of environmental changes, begun to run dry, so too will your life become strained and hard to parse.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    There's just something about women you find completely irresistible. Probably their reproductive organs.
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