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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can't be said for your live-in nurse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you had a dollar for every time a gorgeous woman invited you back to her place, you probably wouldn't be saving for that prostitute right about now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The kinds of changes that await you this week can be readily found within the pages of most high school chemistry books.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at the nearby motel every other Tuesday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Humiliation will be yours this week when astronomers discover four large satellites orbiting around you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sure, smoking won't make you look cool, but at least it'll give you an excuse for being so incredibly lame.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll put yourself through college by stripping, which wouldn't be so bad if you were doing it for the tuition money rather than the classroom grades.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An attempt at composing the perfect love sonnet will fail time and again this week when you fall for a girl named "Orange."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Curiosity will kill the cat this week, though the microwave, the duct tape, and the tupperware container will be mostly to blame.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Like a river that has, due to a number of environmental changes, begun to run dry, so too will your life become strained and hard to parse.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's just something about women you find completely irresistible. Probably their reproductive organs.
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