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Vol 45 Issue 18

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You have failed in your life's goal, but don't feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they'd like a bag for that.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You thought your new sports car could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
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