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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have failed in your life's goal, but don't feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they'd like a bag for that.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You thought your new sports car could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
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