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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have failed in your life's goal, but don't feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast-food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they'd like a bag for that.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You thought your new sports car could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.

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