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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their belongings, furniture and clothes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate the start of an exciting new career in the coming days. Though it's really those asteroids you should be paying closer attention to.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The debate over capital punishment rages on this week when hundreds of citizen argue over who gets to strap you in.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: Nobody likes to be called a "cold fish" in bed, but taking your bar's love tester home isn't going to prove anything.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Inspiration will hit you when you least expect it this week, knocking you completely unconscious while your back is turned.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never been the type of person who runs away at the first sign of trouble. But that's because you're long gone by the time it arrives.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your exaggerated sense of self-worth takes a steep drop this week when the pyramid of milk bottles refuses to fall.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars will send you a special message this week, but sadly, you will be long dead by the time it reaches Earth.


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