Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their belongings, furniture and clothes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars indicate the start of an exciting new career in the coming days. Though it's really those asteroids you should be paying closer attention to.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The debate over capital punishment rages on this week when hundreds of citizen argue over who gets to strap you in.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Remember: Nobody likes to be called a "cold fish" in bed, but taking your bar's love tester home isn't going to prove anything.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Inspiration will hit you when you least expect it this week, knocking you completely unconscious while your back is turned.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You've never been the type of person who runs away at the first sign of trouble. But that's because you're long gone by the time it arrives.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your exaggerated sense of self-worth takes a steep drop this week when the pyramid of milk bottles refuses to fall.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars will send you a special message this week, but sadly, you will be long dead by the time it reaches Earth.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION