Your Horoscopes

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their belongings, furniture and clothes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate the start of an exciting new career in the coming days. Though it's really those asteroids you should be paying closer attention to.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The debate over capital punishment rages on this week when hundreds of citizen argue over who gets to strap you in.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: Nobody likes to be called a "cold fish" in bed, but taking your bar's love tester home isn't going to prove anything.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Inspiration will hit you when you least expect it this week, knocking you completely unconscious while your back is turned.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never been the type of person who runs away at the first sign of trouble. But that's because you're long gone by the time it arrives.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your exaggerated sense of self-worth takes a steep drop this week when the pyramid of milk bottles refuses to fall.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars will send you a special message this week, but sadly, you will be long dead by the time it reaches Earth.