adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their belongings, furniture and clothes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate the start of an exciting new career in the coming days. Though it's really those asteroids you should be paying closer attention to.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The debate over capital punishment rages on this week when hundreds of citizen argue over who gets to strap you in.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: Nobody likes to be called a "cold fish" in bed, but taking your bar's love tester home isn't going to prove anything.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Inspiration will hit you when you least expect it this week, knocking you completely unconscious while your back is turned.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never been the type of person who runs away at the first sign of trouble. But that's because you're long gone by the time it arrives.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your exaggerated sense of self-worth takes a steep drop this week when the pyramid of milk bottles refuses to fall.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars will send you a special message this week, but sadly, you will be long dead by the time it reaches Earth.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close