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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it's still going to do quite a number on your legs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.

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