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Vol 45 Issue 21

Archie To Choose Betty Or Veronica

After nearly 68 years, a grown-up Archie Andrews will ask either Betty or Veronica for her hand in marriage in an upcoming issue of his eponymous...

Guantánamo Closure Delayed

By a margin of 90-6, the Senate voted down funding to relocate the 240 inmates being held at Guantánamo Bay to facilities on American soil....
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it's still going to do quite a number on your legs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    People will come from miles around to seek your wisdom on all manner of things, which is proof that people will do anything for a good laugh.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.
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