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Vol 48 Issue 14

Coast Guard Sinks Vacant Ship

The U.S. Coast Guard used cannon fire to sink the 164-foot Ryou-Un Maru, a Japanese "ghost ship" set adrift by the tsunami last year.

Cambodian Antiquity To Be Seized

FBI agents moved to impound a statue from the auction house Sotheby's after Cambodian officials claimed it was looted from an ancient Khmer temple.

Phil Grayson

Phil Grayson celebrated 15 years of manning the old glory hole in the South Royalton Rest Area men’s room.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you've ever heard.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled loose.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The presence of Mercury in your sign can only mean one thing: The stars have officially run out of euphemisms for discussing your monthly menstruation.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the near future.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll soon die of embarrassment, though not before the vibrator-wielding chimpanzees manage to crack through your skull.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday's baby shower at all costs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling nearly at the speed of sound.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy!
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    In dog years, your border collie will soon turn 50, which explains the suit and tie, the growing stack of Wall Street Journals, and the rather conservative political worldview.
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