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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A pair of magical elves will soon appear and lend a helpful hand by cobbling shoes through the night. Though not before taking full advantage of your sleeping wife.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be pulled over by the grammar police this week, asked to slowly step out of your car, and then beaten mercilessly for using a double negative.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In some primitive and remote cultures, obesity is a sign of great influence and wealth. Take that of Northern Minnesota, for instance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes with love you just have to dust yourself off, lick your wounds, and get right back up on that horse again—no matter how angry the poor mare already is.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll soon spy with your little eye something that is red and black and burnt and flying and shrieking and vengeful and howling and hurt. Thanks, in large part, to all that acid.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Being a parent doesn't come with an instruction manual, which is too bad, as you'd love something heavy to beat the little bastard with.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The descent of Jupiter in your sign is often associated with a change in careers, though today, it's pretty much just Scorpio's way of letting you know your fly is down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: There's no reason to go through life worrying about every little horrifying thing that may happen to your legs, shortly after 10 p.m., this coming Saturday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your dog will soon become just as much a part of the family as your kids, your loving spouse, and that short, hairy uncle of yours that needs to be let out every few hours.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's okay to feel a little nervous and unsure of yourself during your first day at work. After all, it's not as if you were even hired there.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Only you can help yourself this week, as pretty much all the rescue workers, fire fighters, and emergency medical technicians will refuse.

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