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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A pair of magical elves will soon appear and lend a helpful hand by cobbling shoes through the night. Though not before taking full advantage of your sleeping wife.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be pulled over by the grammar police this week, asked to slowly step out of your car, and then beaten mercilessly for using a double negative.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In some primitive and remote cultures, obesity is a sign of great influence and wealth. Take that of Northern Minnesota, for instance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes with love you just have to dust yourself off, lick your wounds, and get right back up on that horse again—no matter how angry the poor mare already is.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll soon spy with your little eye something that is red and black and burnt and flying and shrieking and vengeful and howling and hurt. Thanks, in large part, to all that acid.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Being a parent doesn't come with an instruction manual, which is too bad, as you'd love something heavy to beat the little bastard with.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The descent of Jupiter in your sign is often associated with a change in careers, though today, it's pretty much just Scorpio's way of letting you know your fly is down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: There's no reason to go through life worrying about every little horrifying thing that may happen to your legs, shortly after 10 p.m., this coming Saturday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your dog will soon become just as much a part of the family as your kids, your loving spouse, and that short, hairy uncle of yours that needs to be let out every few hours.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's okay to feel a little nervous and unsure of yourself during your first day at work. After all, it's not as if you were even hired there.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Only you can help yourself this week, as pretty much all the rescue workers, fire fighters, and emergency medical technicians will refuse.

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