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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A pair of magical elves will soon appear and lend a helpful hand by cobbling shoes through the night. Though not before taking full advantage of your sleeping wife.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be pulled over by the grammar police this week, asked to slowly step out of your car, and then beaten mercilessly for using a double negative.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In some primitive and remote cultures, obesity is a sign of great influence and wealth. Take that of Northern Minnesota, for instance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes with love you just have to dust yourself off, lick your wounds, and get right back up on that horse again—no matter how angry the poor mare already is.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll soon spy with your little eye something that is red and black and burnt and flying and shrieking and vengeful and howling and hurt. Thanks, in large part, to all that acid.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Being a parent doesn't come with an instruction manual, which is too bad, as you'd love something heavy to beat the little bastard with.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The descent of Jupiter in your sign is often associated with a change in careers, though today, it's pretty much just Scorpio's way of letting you know your fly is down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: There's no reason to go through life worrying about every little horrifying thing that may happen to your legs, shortly after 10 p.m., this coming Saturday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your dog will soon become just as much a part of the family as your kids, your loving spouse, and that short, hairy uncle of yours that needs to be let out every few hours.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's okay to feel a little nervous and unsure of yourself during your first day at work. After all, it's not as if you were even hired there.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Only you can help yourself this week, as pretty much all the rescue workers, fire fighters, and emergency medical technicians will refuse.