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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A pair of magical elves will soon appear and lend a helpful hand by cobbling shoes through the night. Though not before taking full advantage of your sleeping wife.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be pulled over by the grammar police this week, asked to slowly step out of your car, and then beaten mercilessly for using a double negative.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In some primitive and remote cultures, obesity is a sign of great influence and wealth. Take that of Northern Minnesota, for instance.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes with love you just have to dust yourself off, lick your wounds, and get right back up on that horse again—no matter how angry the poor mare already is.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll soon spy with your little eye something that is red and black and burnt and flying and shrieking and vengeful and howling and hurt. Thanks, in large part, to all that acid.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Being a parent doesn't come with an instruction manual, which is too bad, as you'd love something heavy to beat the little bastard with.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The descent of Jupiter in your sign is often associated with a change in careers, though today, it's pretty much just Scorpio's way of letting you know your fly is down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: There's no reason to go through life worrying about every little horrifying thing that may happen to your legs, shortly after 10 p.m., this coming Saturday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your dog will soon become just as much a part of the family as your kids, your loving spouse, and that short, hairy uncle of yours that needs to be let out every few hours.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's okay to feel a little nervous and unsure of yourself during your first day at work. After all, it's not as if you were even hired there.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Only you can help yourself this week, as pretty much all the rescue workers, fire fighters, and emergency medical technicians will refuse.
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