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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You thought true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frankly, the stars don't understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it's tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll feel cheated this week when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.

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