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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest is now your common-law wife.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headed your way.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but they won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.

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