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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If there is more to life than fishing, you don't want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest is now your common-law wife.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headed your way.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but they won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.

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