Your Horoscopes

In This Section

Vol 45 Issue 26

King Of Pop Dead At 12

LOS ANGELES—Michael Jackson, a talented child performer known for his love of amusement park rides and his hobby of collecting exotic animals for his Neverland Ranch, died from sudden cardiac arrest Thursday at the age of 12....
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Originality

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you’re forced to hand them your wallet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that’s primarily because it’s a suppository.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More