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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you’re forced to hand them your wallet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that’s primarily because it’s a suppository.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.

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