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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you’re forced to hand them your wallet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that’s primarily because it’s a suppository.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.
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