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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you’re forced to hand them your wallet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Getting laid off is a tough pill to swallow, though that’s primarily because it’s a suppository.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.

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