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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.
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