adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close