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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’ll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.

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