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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    An elite squad of international assassins will target you in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The debate on whether we have a shame- or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.

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