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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher—partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Good things will happen when you least expect them, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought as to when to cut the cake.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand—namely gravity.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of 9-year-olds to follow.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floor coverings for 17 years.
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