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Vol 45 Issue 29

Wow Factor Added To Corporate Presentation

CHARLOTTE, NC—Sources confirmed that the wow factor—an intangible set of viscerally pleasing features that instill onlookers with a feeling of exhilaration and intense interest—was successfully added to this Thursday’s upcoming PowerPoint presentation.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher—partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Good things will happen when you least expect them, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought as to when to cut the cake.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand—namely gravity.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of 9-year-olds to follow.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floor coverings for 17 years.
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