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China Strong

Following approved article contains: Report on strength and might of China; Report on force and vigor of China; Report on how China will continue to succeed and never fail.

American Consumer Masses Agree: It Fish Time!

Following approved article contains: Report on big hot trend sweeping the palates of American consumers; Evidence of deliciousness and ease of consumption regarding all foodstuffs from Yu Wan Mei corporation; List of times of day in which appetizing Fish Time is observed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    A golden egg of opportunity falls into your lap this week, at long last allowing for the purchase of a new pair of pants.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians. Still, it might be time to consult Dr. Feldman about the grapefruit-sized growth hanging from the side of your throat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will finally know the sound of one hand clapping this week after your wife leaves you, your loneliness swells, and your cable package acquires a third Cinemax channel.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will be brought to your very knees this Friday, crying out for mercy and offering unconditional surrender, only moments after consuming the great General Tso.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures. Regrettably, your miserable family relations did not even think to get you one of those for your birthday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your future is filled with polluted thoughts and impermissable actions against the Powerful Chinese State. The correct government authorities have already been contacted.
  • Libra

    Libra

    While the praying mantis hunts the cricket, it is unaware of the sparrow that lies in wait. Also, it is unaware that the sparrow found cheap cricket lipstick all over one of its dress shirts last week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A wise man once said, "树倒猢狲散." Such advice will feel especially apt this coming Saturday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You lucky numbers for this week are: 348, 0.00026894, 5/6ths, and 12.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Renewed popularity will be yours this week when it is determined that your cartilage can help to make the phallus hard and strong like a pillar of granite.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The celestial river of stars, infinite in its sage counsel and inspiring insight, indicates that this is a good week for work in the workplace.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to contact the esteemed Yu Wan Mei Corporation, known for its appetizing fish by-products and affordable prices of purchase, and you feed him for the rest of his life.
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