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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A golden egg of opportunity falls into your lap this week, at long last allowing for the purchase of a new pair of pants.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians. Still, it might be time to consult Dr. Feldman about the grapefruit-sized growth hanging from the side of your throat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will finally know the sound of one hand clapping this week after your wife leaves you, your loneliness swells, and your cable package acquires a third Cinemax channel.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be brought to your very knees this Friday, crying out for mercy and offering unconditional surrender, only moments after consuming the great General Tso.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures. Regrettably, your miserable family relations did not even think to get you one of those for your birthday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your future is filled with polluted thoughts and impermissable actions against the Powerful Chinese State. The correct government authorities have already been contacted.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While the praying mantis hunts the cricket, it is unaware of the sparrow that lies in wait. Also, it is unaware that the sparrow found cheap cricket lipstick all over one of its dress shirts last week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A wise man once said, "树倒猢狲散." Such advice will feel especially apt this coming Saturday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You lucky numbers for this week are: 348, 0.00026894, 5/6ths, and 12.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Renewed popularity will be yours this week when it is determined that your cartilage can help to make the phallus hard and strong like a pillar of granite.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The celestial river of stars, infinite in its sage counsel and inspiring insight, indicates that this is a good week for work in the workplace.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to contact the esteemed Yu Wan Mei Corporation, known for its appetizing fish by-products and affordable prices of purchase, and you feed him for the rest of his life.

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