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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A golden egg of opportunity falls into your lap this week, at long last allowing for the purchase of a new pair of pants.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians. Still, it might be time to consult Dr. Feldman about the grapefruit-sized growth hanging from the side of your throat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will finally know the sound of one hand clapping this week after your wife leaves you, your loneliness swells, and your cable package acquires a third Cinemax channel.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be brought to your very knees this Friday, crying out for mercy and offering unconditional surrender, only moments after consuming the great General Tso.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures. Regrettably, your miserable family relations did not even think to get you one of those for your birthday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your future is filled with polluted thoughts and impermissable actions against the Powerful Chinese State. The correct government authorities have already been contacted.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While the praying mantis hunts the cricket, it is unaware of the sparrow that lies in wait. Also, it is unaware that the sparrow found cheap cricket lipstick all over one of its dress shirts last week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A wise man once said, "树倒猢狲散." Such advice will feel especially apt this coming Saturday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You lucky numbers for this week are: 348, 0.00026894, 5/6ths, and 12.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Renewed popularity will be yours this week when it is determined that your cartilage can help to make the phallus hard and strong like a pillar of granite.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The celestial river of stars, infinite in its sage counsel and inspiring insight, indicates that this is a good week for work in the workplace.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to contact the esteemed Yu Wan Mei Corporation, known for its appetizing fish by-products and affordable prices of purchase, and you feed him for the rest of his life.
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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