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Vol 45 Issue 31

Man Running After Bus Delights Bus Occupants

CLEVELAND—Among the factors that contributed to the overall feeling of joy among those lucky enough to witness the spectacle, was the fact that the man was not in very good physical shape, an indication that the act of running was in all likelihood his last recourse.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Your Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a† stop, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Don't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?" Dress the dog in full military regalia before it's too late.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The human body is a work of art, which explains why those security guards won't let you touch it.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Being bright, handsome, and exceptionally talented isn't all that it's cracked up to be. So at least you've got that going for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you're forced to hand them your wallet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they'll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You can put it off today, and you might even be able to brush it aside tomorrow, but pretty soon you're going to have to figure out why your arm is on fire.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.
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